Saturday, July 12, 2008

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

The night before weigh-in

Tomorrow will be the first time I've weighed myself in ages. Can't believe I got to 9 stone 9 last time but suspect won't have lost anything. If I've gained, I've got to get really, really strict again. Really noticing the weight and starting to get kind of body issues now. Rachel was a sweetie and said I look like I've lost some. She has put a bit on and claimed to be 9 stone 4 although she looked really slim to me, as usual. I definitely don't look "thin" anymore though. In fact, without clothes I look positively repulsive - everything is all flabby and saggy, probably objecting to constant weight gain and loss and has kind of given up in a big sloppy pile. I forgot to mention one of the main reasons I have put on over the last 3 months is that I have gone back on the pill, a seriously major factor for me. Apart from making me fat, it is making my boobs HUGE and sore again. Well anyway, I have been sort of OK. Brekkies have been banana on toast, yoghurt, that sort of thing. Weetabix, low fat soup and/or fruit for lunch. Had salmon the other night with broccoli in cheese sauce but ended up eating entire bowl of broccoli (good) with the cheese (not so good). Had mackerel in tomato sauce on toast for dinner tonight and have had dodgy tummy all day so have probably pooed some lbs out :D Have managed to keep water intake between 1-2 litres a day. Not good but better. Of course did have a huge pizza last night followed by melty chocolate pudding thing afterwards and a glass of wine in Colchester but this was all planned. Tomorrow having Weetabix, low fat soup and roll, maybe a 10 cal jelly and then a WW dinner. For definite. Oh, had a Slim Fast this morning and it's gross. Urgh. Nowhere near as nice as CamDie chocolate mint, sigh. Will update on horrendous weight tomorrow. Somewhere between 9 stone 7lbs and 10 stone I reckon. Hopefully at lower end.

Sunday, March 30, 2008


Hmmm. Not quite so good today. Started off OK. Mackerel with multiseed toast to start with, then another stir-fry with salmon and veg but put noodles it it (whoops). One strawberry. I also managed 2 litres of water today and that doesn't include all the Diet Coke/Coke Zero I consumed as well, though did go to loo about a thousand times. Then I went to work, told the chef his chocolate fudge cake looked yummy and then he cut me off half a slice. Well I couldn't say no could I? Why is it as soon as you're on a diet people offer you chocolate left, right and centre. Was very delish. But kind of ruined the whole weekend's virtue. And am STILL feeling fatter than ever. Is it just 'cos now I've made a conscious effort to be good I've noticed it, because I'm coming out of denial? Or is it all this Diet Coke making me bloated or something?? No idea. Can't believe I haven't had a drop of alcohol all weekend. Was soooooo boring. Better have more fun over the next few days or may as well be fat, house/work-bound loner anyway and at least enjoy my food, if nothing else :(

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Better today

Right, a bowl of strawberries with fat free yoghurt and some oats for brekkie. Then a Slim Fast 99 cal bar a couple of hours later. Then had to leave house and stop thinking about food. An apple when I got back and a few sneaky mouthfuls of the low fat turkey korma I made (which is now frozen phew!!). Dinner was a big plate of pork and veg stir-fry. Off to work in a mo - yep my life sucks that much I now have to work in a bar at the weekends serving idiots until 1am. When I get back though I'm gonna be ravenous but will try to resist. Haven't had any bread, pasta, rice potatoes or anything of that nature today. Marvellous. Feel fatter than ever....

Oh one thing that is proving impossible is trying to up my water intake. Strange. Used to manage about 4/5 litres on CamDie. Struggling through ONE litre and having to top up liquid intake with Coke Zero. Will probably drink my own bodyweight in Diet Coke behind bar tonight but am on feet and burning calories I guess :)

Friday, March 28, 2008

I'm back!!

Oh no!! I don't know how much I weigh anymore cos I'm too scared to stand on the scales - a VERY bad sign and I know I'm reaching denial again, which is the killer. I've done so well - a whole year was managed under 9 and a half stone. Lightest ever was a shocking 8 stone 10 :o But it's falling apart a little now. Split up with Graham, moved into a flat by myself, got a new job which hasn't been going very wel, even more skint than ever, seeing someone else.....Life's been busy. Put lots on on holiday in Sept 2007 but was so good when I came back lost most of it. Then drunk/ate loads at Christmas and since I have moved in on my own and CANNOT get back on it. Last weigh-in was 9 stone 9lbs 2 weeks ago. Not terrible admittedly and by no means the 12 and a half stone I started off on but I am definitely losing plot now. Anyway, have tried to get back to thin mindset from today so had my last supper of a pizza last night and today have had a banana and fat free yoghurt for brekkie, low fat leek and potato soup and a seeded roll and an apple for lunch, with a highlights. Then there was a bit of a slip up when an officer offered me a choccie biscuit with my Lady Grey tea (!!) but ended up giving me half when I said I was on a diet. Er, then mackerel and toast for home time and some stir-fried steak with veg for dinner. No drinking this weekend, eek. Just Coke zero and a bifta at the moment - some things never change. Actually that all sounds rather a lot but not much crap which is good. Very virtuous. Have some Slim Fast too as was on offer but not sure how this will compare to Cambridge. Bit unsure at the mo but plenty of veg in the fridge so that's good. A healthy diet should get me down to just over 9 stone I reckon, IF I stick to it. Should be fine this week (apart from errant dinner out with 8 and a half stone stick Rachel).

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Oh, I forgot to post anything on here for over a month!!

Hi there!! You thought I had forgotten all about my blog didn't you?? Well, what with not having internet access at work and simply not being bothered at home, I have just not been coming on here at all. Plus job has been so exciting I almost forgot all about diet and doesn't really feel like I'm on one anymore. I finally managed to get down to 9 stone 3 at my weigh in just before Christmas and, as that was in the evening, must have been at 9 stone, at the most, in the morning and was dead chuffed. Say WAS as has all gone a bit wrong over Christmas and this morning's weigh in said 9 stone 4 and this evening's 9 stone 7, or 8 if I leaned back a bit so I avoided doing that (on new posh Salter scales I got from John Lewis in the sales - essential New Year buy to keep weight maintained. Good idea but on wonky 16th century floor, not very reliable methinks). So what took me weeks and weeks to get off (those last few pounds were a real pain in the arse and took forever to come off, not really helped by my more relaxed attitude to food when I came off 1000 and started ignoring the menu plans) has all gone on in the course of about a week and a half of meals out, sweets, loads of booze, buffets and Christmas lunch. It's really depressing actually and I feel about 3 stone heavier. Bloated and spotty again too. Still, I must press on with losing the half stone AGAIN :( and yesterday had 2 Cambridge packs, mackerel on toast and home made veg soup with a roll and today I had one of my homemade muesli bars, more soup and a roll, mackerel on toast and about to have a shake. Quite nice to get back on it again in a strange way though not looking forward to a weekend without an excessive meal or any wine but want to get back down to the size I was just before Xmas and absolutely determined to not let this be the start of putting it all back on again.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

I lied - week 14 and 15

What am I like? So caught up with new job and not being on internet, I completely lied on my last post and did in fact lose 1lb (better than nothing I suppose) in week 14 as the weigh in was the day before I went to Bristol and lost nothing in week 15, which was the Thursday just gone. Week 14 was my 2nd week of 790 and week 15 was the first week of 1000 as explained below. So this weeks weigh in is week 16, 2nd week of 1000 and FOUR WHOLE MONTHS from the beginning of this crazyarsed dieting journey. Did actually think I would be 9 stone by four months but didn't account for the fact that weight loss slows down dramatically by this stage. So, I am 9 stone 8lbs, 1lb off nine and a half stone and 8lbs from target (though starting to wonder if 9 stone might be too low....).

Week 14 results

Well I went on 1000 finally but skipped the carbs in week 14 as I had a major pig out at Bristol where I had (wait for it) about 5 glasses of wine on Friday (room was spinning after half a glass but strangely didn't stop me drinking anymore or give me a hangover), a cappucino, BBQ chicken wings, steak and chips with salad, a whole bottle of wine and half a tub of Ben and Jerrys on Saturday (eek) and roast chicken on Sunday with only 3 potatoes and lots of veg. Would have been happy to skip the roast but Emma made it specially so couldn't refuse ;) It was all delicious and suprisingly easy to eat which is a bad sign as was expecting to not be able to manage all that. Having said that, no problems going straight back onto diet on the Monday and currently having bar in the morning, a bowl of porridge with fruit sugar, a bit of fruit and a cup of fruit tea at lunch, a choc-mint mousse with added husks when I get in and salmon/chicken/turkey later on with veg, and since last weigh in I have been having the carbs too (but v carefully weighed). Wholemeal pasta is actually really nice and not that much different from white so that's good. I have to say though that the ice cream last weekend was DIVINE and the nicest thing I have possibly EVER eaten. Never even much of an ice cream fan before which is strange. Anyway, the result of all this indulgence was that I lost NOTHING on Thursday at weigh in, which was disappointing but definitely worth it methinks. I only hope I lose this week as my losses are becoming ridiculously low now - 2lbs in 3 weeks. I wouldn't mind but as I've said before, it's the money that bothers me. Starting at gym on Monday which will help towards the toning. Did buy some size 10 skinny jeans yesterday though so it's certainly not all bad. Just wish was more in proportion and didn't have massive top half on top of matchsticks. Know I'm not filling in much of this blog now but with all the food on 1000 doesn't even feel like I'm dieting anymore at the mo (though must resist temptation to treat myself at weekends until completely stabilised, hopefully at 9 stone).

Monday, November 06, 2006

Week 13 - unlucky for me

Well I'm almost on weeks 14s weigh-in and haven't even posted week 13s results, what am I like?? Lost one poxy pound last week but considering in the end I did have that half muffin (only half mind - gave Alex other half) and sliver of carrot and orange cake, it's all I deserve I guess. V naughty. First real carbs since beginning of August. Was it worth it? Well the carrot cake was gorgeous but the muffin was a bit rich for me and made me feel sick for the rest of the day plus think I got major sugar rush. Strange - sure could have managed a couple before!! All good I suppose though. My weight has ONLY TWO NUMBERS in it now wow!!! I am 9 stone 9lbs. Want to go up to 1000 and thought I would by this stage but Liz thought it was a bad idea which surprised me. I think she thinks I'm going to put it all back on again when I introduce carbs which isn't very reassuring. After the first day of my new job though am going to have to go on it soon as it's a really intense job with lots of moving around and mental energy needed for constant chatting and smiling and stress. Water consumption has taken a nosedive as expected as can't sit with 2 litre bottle at all times or go to loo without asking someone to unlock it and only had time for my bar on the way to work in the car and one shake in the mess at lunch mixed in a tiny cup with one of those rubbish plastic things. So didn't want to start new job on diet but nevermind. Might avoid mess in future and just stay in staff room as food looked really good (but bad, bad, bad - pie and mash etc). At least they have a fridge and microwave (for yummy, yummy porridge) in the staff room though. Can't believe how forward I'm looking to porridge. Have bought it already and it's sitting in the cupboard looking suggestively at me. God, I want some porridge. Would warm me up a treat too esp at work where I am freezing my little fingers off and wearing gloves with holes in, to the vast amusement of the lads there. They told me I have a nicer figure than one of the other girls there. Of course that was completely mean and I told them off but can't help smiling as I thought I was probably fatter than her when I went for the interview!! Seem to have a few fans there and glad I wasn't fat, even though the minute I annoy them they will tell me I'm a fat bitch anyway (I have no illusions). I know it's so shallow and shouldn't matter but I just feel like I have more control now over them than I would have done previously. That sounds really bad though doesn't it? Think I'll shut up now as not explaining myself v well. Maybe it just comes from more self-confidence anyway and is nothing to do with what I look like to others.

Bought loads of clothes the other day. Was intending to buy them for work but ended up in the sales getting going out clothes instead. Bought a pair of size 12 jeans from Oasis (reduced from £50 to £25 - bargain!!) and they are, wait for it, TOO BIG. Mind you, think they said something about washing them before wearing them to fit so probably supposed to be like that. Never bought anything in Oasis before as too scared of it. Still felt like a huge fat monster in Republic though where tried woolly jacket on (perfect for job) but looked like fat bear so put that aside. Colours are also making a introduction - even bought a top in a kind of acid green colour (nicer than it sounds, honest).

Have also been good since week 13s weigh in (apart from water) so hopefully will have better results to report this week. Fingers crossed for 9 and a half stone then only 7lbs yay!!! Bristol definitely on though this weekend so might not lose anything next week or, even worse, may put on. Ooh, and a friend's girlfriend has been on the CamDie for 6 weeks now and been very good and looks fantastic so I'm really pleased for her. She was asking me about diet, I feel v inspirational and fabby and full of feminine empowerment or something. Darren had said something ages ago about how if I went on this diet and it worked then she might follow suit as she was unhappy with her weight. Mind you it's even worse for her as she has to contend with the huge amounts of food her boyfriend eats!! Maybe we'll all end up on it haha.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Muffin indecisions!!

CRB form finally came through yesterday so now all of a sudden, I'm leaving Felixstowe today, going to Hainult again tomorrow (with the boss on my own in the car which I'm dreading) to train my replacement more and then going to the YOI on Thursday to have my security training and starting on Monday. Friday off to buy clothes. Arrrggghh!!! I know I've waited ages but now it's all happening so quickly. Graham has told his new job people he is staying so we have to go and find him a car this week so he can drive himself in. It's a bit mad and I'm really scared though the lady on the phone I'll be working with sounds nice so that's good. Don't think they are going to recognise me when I turn up for work as now about 3 stone lighter!!

Made some muffins last night and brought a carrot and orange cake for last day, as is tradition. They smell so good and I can smell them from here as they are on the desk opposite me. Ben said they are very good and he should really have them all!! Really wrestling with conscience here as I really want one. Don't know why as wasn't ever planning to have one before this morning in the car but think I deserve a treat for new job plus cooking the things and smelling them all last night and this morning was torture enough. But still in ketosis and don't want to have to get back into it again. But OH MY GOD they smell good......Don't know what to do. Don't know if I'll last out until the end of the day without having some cake. Could move them I suppose.... Currently stirring myself a yummy, lumpy choc-mint shake while I make a decision.

Had a steak on Sunday but ordered it with a corn on the cob instead of chips at the ol' naffy Hungry Horse again (card worked this time though). Wanted peppercorn sauce but didn't have any (v good) and just a mineral water to drink. Wasn't very nice even though had been looking forward to a steak for ages. Ho-hum. Costumes were brilliant for Halloween even if I say so myself - must get some piccies and post them on here as the four of us looked fab as zombies.

Time of the month finally turned up. Hopefully this means should lose a bit more on Thursday (or will it be next Thursday) - perhaps this means I can get away with the muffin? Heavy and awful - enough said. Stressed out and shouty about new job, going with boss to Essex tomorrow, Graham needing a car NOW and felt awful last night, like I was going to explode with irritation. Went out to the cinema with a friend's girlfriend though and spent a long time chatting to another girl on Saturday night so hopefully some more friends in the area. Poor old Graham is getting a bit of a hard time from me recently. And it doesn't help that I will need to travel over to Bristol as soon as I have finished my first week on the new job, although I am looking forward to my pig-out and wine!! Think it might make me really ill though!!

Right, shake has gone down nicely and will give it until this afternoon to make decision on cake as not hungry now. If I do have something will have half a muffin and a sliver of carrot cake. Gonna try the curly kale tonight as it's still sitting in the bag and I don't really know how to cook it and I'm also desperately gonna try and chill out before I give myself a mental problem.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Week 12 weigh in WOO-HOO!!!!

Was dreading it but turns out no need as lost another 4lbs which takes me into the 9s and 9 stone 10 at that!! This 790 thing is great. Only one more pound and there will only be 2 numbers in my weight for the first time in ages. Very happy about this but can't think what the difference would be that would make me lose more than I have done for 7 weeks. Don't care really so long as it keeps going. Going to stay on 790 for now - I know it's expensive but I rather like it. No carbs yet, still got more to lose. There is my weekend in Bristol which I did say I was going to eat and drink whatever the hell I liked but there's an annoying sensible monster at the back of my mind saying just have one glass of wine, or two with soda water, and don't get a pizza, have something else. What's happened to me?!! The lovely lady who sits next to me at work brought me in some curly kale from her garden as I was explaining to her that I only like v limited veg but am trying some new things - she's bought a whole Tesco bag full!! I will update on the kale - hope it doesn't make me fart as much as those spring greens. Peanut bar was actually really good too and to think I don't really like nuts. Was hoping to get some more last night but Liz only had four chocolate bars as the delivery guy hadn't brought them so I have to call the other CDC and get them from her (and can get some lovely toffee bars again, have missed them). Wonder what she's like? Apparantly she only lives down the road from me so can't quite remember now why I didn't pick her instead of Liz but it doesn't matter - I rather like Liz. Treated myself to a size 12 pair of jeans last night (from Tesco but don't tell anyone - they're actually quite nice and look well cut) and they are a tiny bit baggy round the bum and legs (gasp) but of course not baggy at all round my flabby tummy. Nevermind, my confidence has been restored again and I'm sure I can get down to that size 10. At least it's nice to know I'm a real size 12 and not a pretend size 12 where I'm really a 14 or 16 and squeeze myself uncomfortably into organ crushing clothes!!

Richard is visiting this weekend. Will be good to see him - can't believe I've lost another 1olbs since we spent that weekend with him in Cornwall. Going in fancy dress to a Halloween party tomorrow night and can't wait (Andy at the Ufford Crown said I was looking good when we went last week to pick up the tickets, yay!!). Also helping out hand out drinks for an antiques shop sale tonight - only 2 and a half hours work for £20 and I get to wear a pretty dress. Must get weed for this weekend but where??

BTW if anyone out there actually reads this (and I'm pretty sure nobody does and I'm just talking to myself) then Graham and I are setting up a MySpace film review site at - check it out. And leave me a comment to let me know what you think of my blog. Please.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Close to week 12 weigh in

If I'm not in the 9s tomorrow, I'm going to be seriously pissed off. Getting really anxious about it. I have stuck to 790 this week but then don't feel like I've lost any and STILL no sign of period (don't know why I expect it as before diet would have been lucky to have one every 2/3 months but have just been feeling like it's gonna come any minute). My dinners have been really nice, especially plain steamed chicken and asparagus with no seasoning at all suprisingly. Rang CRB and form still with police so doesn't look like I'm in danger of starting new job (or gym) anytime soon :( It'll be Bristol visit in a couple of weekends time and I had anticipated being very almost at target by then and wanted to eat and drink anything I wanted. I don't know what to do about that weekend as it was going to be a massive treat for me after being so good for so long and I'll probably be on 1000 but I know that a dinner out will involve LOTS of wine and carbs. Another thing is I don't want to spend the rest of the weekend being ill because of alcohol but don't think I'm prepared to not drink as have forgoed the booze for 12 weeks and haven't seen my friends from home in months. Perhaps better to see nearer the time.

Got a free chocolate bar in the post today so gave it to Ben at work and felt generous as well as virtuous. My God though, that Green and Blacks butterscotch would have been good though.

Have been cooking lots for Graham this week and making his sandwiches (a money saving ploy after he saw his canteen prices at work) with no problems whatsoever. Actually missed cooking and it's nice to get back into it. I guess after almost 12 weeks on the diet and knowing that you can have a nice and reasonable sized dinner makes it a lot easier. Have been checking out some low GI diet recipes and found some nice stuff which even I like, which is encouraging. They even let you have cookies (albeit made with kidney beans!!!!!) and bran muffins.

Monday, October 23, 2006

My 50th post

Wow, 50 posts, that's a whole lot of discussing my diet. Not much to report over the last few days. Being properly on 790 is weird - it feels like I'm eating so much. One good thing is that I can take all my 3 packs into work and have the bar first thing in the morning knowing I can still have 2 shakes before I leave as the afternoon at work had become my hungriest time. Couldn't possibly skip 'breakfast' now. A WHOLE grilled chicken breast for dinner with Italian garlic and herbs (took me ages to find a suitable jar in Tescos that didn't have sugar or salt as the main ingredient) and over the weekend I had it with some mixed cabbage/leeks/spring greens blanched in Marigold which I LIKED (my mother would pass out with the shock). Did discover a most unfortunate side effect though when I went out and was doing the most evil farts so I had celery last night instead. Asparagus tonight. Ring on my finger has been gettting tight again and definitely not hopeful for my week 12 weigh in. Another thing is that a weeks supply of chicken and veg cost me £19 which on top of the cost of all the packs was rather horrifying. Better be worth it is all I can say. Felt fat again at the weekend, didn't even feel like I'd lost ANY weight at all. What is this weird bloated heifer like feeling all about?? Probably my damn hormones.

Rach looked really good with her one and a half stone weight loss and is at the same weight as me. Says she's having issues with the last stone so she can join my club. She's been doing a far more sensible diet involving exercise and all and even had a bacon and egg roll on Saturday. Did wonder whether a diet where I could treat myself at the weekends like that would have been better but wasn't that bothered by the sandwich shop to be honest - I used it as a chance to see what healthier options I would have from the board if I was eating (although anything with tonnes of mayo in it was about a thousand times more appealing, I decided a ham, honey roast beef or pesto chicken granary roll would be good). Had lots of frozen tetras, a delicious caramel bar (haven't tried the peanut yet), banana mousse and chicken instead so didn't even mind too much Graham eating 2 pizzas this weekend either. Although could have done with a few glasses of wine to accompany girly chat :( Other than that a subdued and rainy weekend. Spent all of Sunday doing MP3 things and trying to log onto Russian websites for cheap downloads which wouldn't accept my money.

Friday, October 20, 2006

The good news, the bad news and the bad news

Well, went to Rendlesham last night for my weigh in and the good news is that I am still well in ketosis despite ketostix the other day. Infact the stick was really quite dark but as I pointed out, I had been stuck in the car for over an hour so hadn't had a drink for ages plus I might have guessed I was still in as I am absolutely freezing cold in this office, brrrrrrr - I actually have goosebumps on my arms!! Also, I have lost weight. The bad news is that I only lost a pound and the other bad news is my waist and hip measurements were actually higher than 2 weeks ago when she last did them. So still stuck in the tens at 10 stone exactly and will never assume again that I will lose 2lbs minimum every week. Bummer. Reasons for rubbish results - oh, I can think of a thousand. As well as the two slightly naughty meals I had this week which included small amounts of things not in the brochure (the roast beef/steak on Sunday and the oil/bacon/cheese/pesto on Tuesday), I have been slacking on the water over the last couple of days as it was starting to make me feel uncomfortably full, still no sign of the painters although I still feel PMTish and bloated, the tikka powder for the chicken (and Marigold) contains salt which makes water retention worse AND I haven't had a poo in ages (far too much talk of poo and periods on this blog). At least it's a loss though, could be worse. It's not like I'd ever consider just giving up as I've come this far and I'm committed to it now. It's just disappointing and expensive as Liz and I decided there's absolutely no way I should go up to 1000 and should stay religiously on 790 - so 3 packs a day still AND the expense of the chicken and stuff. She says if I can't manage to control my constant excuses for going out for meals, even if I have been restrained for the most part, I will have to go back down to AAM to get these last pesky pounds off. No toffee bars again - nooooooo. Had to pick up a new range of bars - like the cranberry but they have been making me fart (bum references getting too much now!!), even picked up a peanut as thought I'd give it a go though not very keen on nuts. Going to have v virtuous steamed chicken and celery tonight and NOT the Indian I was suggesting to Graham we take Rach and Si to (they are visiting for the weekend). I was only going to have a chicken tandoori but accept that need to get head in non-treat land otherwise when back on carbs and wine, 'treats' will get out of hand so I need to take more control. Not sure whether I'm doing a really good job or a really crappy job so far as most of the focus in Cambridge I think is on SS and not much explanation of what to do when you are in my situation ie, BMI normal but wanting to slim down to a desired target. Still, it's all a learning experience and I'm still going in the right direction!!

Mentioned to Liz about becoming a CDC and she was really enthusiatic about it. She says that although there are a few in the area, one apparantly charge LL prices (which is incredible cheeky if you ask me) so that one's not too popular, she's got her hands full but still gets loads of referrals and needs someone to take them on and the other elderly woman who does it in the area really wants to retire soon. I said I'd think about it. I mean, for one thing, I wouldn't want to apply until I reach target weight (which at this rate may take ages), I need to settle into new job first plus I need to raise the capital for the initial packs and stuff. She was honest and said it doesn't get you much money but I told her I was quite passionate about this diet and like the idea of helping people out (I also admitted to 2 completely self-interested reasons also - that it would be easier to maintain and be v good experience on my CV). But I did explain that I wouldn't want to do more than 3 evenings a week and she said that how much you do is entirely up to you. She's going to look into it and let me know the procedure next week but as I said, I won't be thinking of doing it until the New Year probably. Oh, and she also pointed out that you can drive round to people's houses with the products which would be much better than people coming round (also a breech of contract re running businesses from home I think).

Lovin' the forum. Infact spending pretty much all day at work on it (whoops). Phone call yesterday from the YOI just asking if I'd heard anything yet re CRB form, which of course I haven't. Fingers crossed for next week or I'm gonna be mighty pissed off. The women behind me are doing my head in - all they talk about is childbirth, babies, diets, weight, food and how bad other people are. A bit worried though that have never worked really hard in any job I've had before, especially if there's the internet and I can slack off, and this will make new job really tough to start with. Still, at least it's something I actually want to do (allegedly).

Thursday, October 19, 2006

76 days on diet!!

Can't believe I've been on this diet what feels like so long now, especially as I thought I'd only be on it for a few weeks and magically be 9 stone super-quick!! That's over 1 in 5 days this year on a diet and a total of just under 228 CamDie products (just under cos of the days I skipped packs), around 300 litres of water and about £385 spent (not so good). Of those 76 days, I have only had a little bit of food on 22 of them and I was 68% of the way towards goal weight as of last weeks weigh-in - hopefully more after tonights. I have lost 34lbs in total, which works out as almost half a pound loss A DAY and my BMI has gone down by 5 points. I lost 17lbs in the first 4 weeks and 12lbs in the second 4. In the time since being on this diet I have had one interview, got a new job (but STILL no bloody start date), not touched one drop of booze, not had one nibble of bread/pasta/rice/potatoes, watched what feels like about 300 fast food meals being consumed by other people, eaten more mushrooms and celery than I had done in the previous 25 years put together, thought quite a lot about food and spent a stupid amount on eBay!! I have also smoked a LOT of draw and found a lot of willpower and determination I didn't think I had. This is the first diet I have ever been on and I intend to never go on another one again. Woo-hoo, go me!!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Week 11 weigh in tomorrow - approaching 3 months!!

Oh, nervous about weigh in tomorrow. Had AAM on Monday but 3 shakes and a larger meal last night and although didn't have potatoes, wine or cake, still had bad things like a spray of olive oil on the griddled asparagus and wrapped the chicken in a bit of bacon with the tiniest smear of pesto and the thinnest sliver of cheese inside. Was absolutely delicious though, even if I do say so myself and don't feel ill today like I did after that Nandos. Must flush through with plenty of water today if I hope to lose that 2lbs minimum to get me into the 9s. Have 2 chicken breasts left from last night so going to be v virtuous and have only half of one tonight. Sat at desk this morning at 8.58 and cranberry bar had been consumed by 9.05 plus first one to finish last night so speed of eating has still not abated (in fairness though, my plate was about a third full without the potatoes or any salad). Read a post yesterday on forum which said someone had cut the bar into 32 pieces!!!!! 32!!!!! Mine goes in about 6 bites, how can anyone do that? I guess this is where my lask of self control comes into it but seriously. A shake for lunch and mousse for dinner methinks with my chicken - who needs carbs?? Think I'm a complete freak as I love my choc-mint shakes really thick and lumpy at work half eaten with a spoon like a soup!! Still, at least it's easier that way as don't have to worry about mixing it properly.

They have stuck me at work on a desk on my own in the corner as I'm leaving soon so nobody to talk to :( Have to listen to the women behind me and they are doing my head in - I'M the one on a diet and they talk constantly about other people's weights and how much they weigh etc. They are also very judgemental. Even I find it boring. Emailed Ben and asked him if I go on about diet constantly and he said no (actually he said I'm great and not like them at all and all sorts of nice things. Maybe he fancies me. Surely nobody actually fancies me now??). Phew. Graham's mum mentioned something about getting me a Diet Doctors book and I really hope she doesn't mean for Christmas, not that I'm ungrateful but I dont want anything to do with diets by Christmas. I don't want to be defined by being on a diet - this was my greatest fear when I went on it. This is why I like the forum so much as it allows me to discuss the diet as much as I want with similar minded people. I shouldn't be mean though as she sent me the sweetest message thanking us for going round and cooking on her birthday. General feelings at the mo - feel warm and fuzzy and contented in the evenings sitting around in our lovely place (Darren's in London and I cleaned up the other day), liking this time of year when the season's changing and being v restrained on eBay and money in general but got o/draft extension so have a bit of leeway with the account now, which makes me feel much better. Still not happy at all with figure though and still feeling bloated (no sign of period). Caught a look at myself in the window the other night and am starting to resemble that orange with matchsticks in it - I have no discernible curves or figure on my torso even though my legs and arms are OK. Arrgggh GOD. Don't think I'll EVER be happy with how I look. Also put on size 14 trousers this morning that I haven't worn for ages and they aren't hanging off me like my other ones. Was it the meal last night??

Monday, October 16, 2006

Weekend blah, blah, blah...

Brilliant weekend again which was cool and managed to stick to AAM and all 3 packs per day so back into the swing of it again. The only slight exception was yesterday when the five of us went out for Sunday lunch as I thought that would be a really nice idea. Planned to order a steak and mushrooms and not eat the chips but got to the bar to buy a bottle of wine for everyone plus a mineral water for me and my card still won't work as no money in account so was v embarrased and Ken had to buy it, when he had come down to visit us!! Obviously couldn't order anything then either and refused to let Helen buy my lunch so everyone else ordered and I didn't have anything. Which before would have made me cry (and I was a bit pissed off at first) but as I pointed out, I've been watching people eat for the last 10 weeks so it really didn't make much difference. Certainly a bit different to my attitude in week one when Graham and Darren ate that KFC!! I got a seperate bowl and everyone donated some meat to my cause!! I had 2 lumps of steak courtesy of Ken and Darren (nowhere near as nice as I thought it'd be but then I like mine practically raw and Darren has his, yuk, well done), loads of roast beef from Helen, who still left almost all of the rest of the meat, and some chicken from Graham's roast (yum, yum). And was STUFFED!! So, thanks to lovely, generous friends, managed to go for 'a meal' out and not spend anything. But the plates at the pub are ridiculously full of food (naff Hungry Horse type place) so don't feel guilty as most people had issues finishing theirs anyway - why do they serve such massive portions? I still wouldn't have had any problems finishing a full plate of steak and chips off a few weeks ago there though which makes me feel slightly gross now. Puddings did look good..... Glad didn't go to meal on Saturday as Graham regailed me with tales of the 3 courses he ate and it all sounded really, really good (calamari, pizza and cheesecake) and the smell on his jacket from Prezzo was enough to send me into convulsions of desire for all sorts of evil food. Have offered to cook for his mum though on her actual birthday on Tuesday as felt sorry for her just sitting in and cooking for his dad so don't know what am going to do that I can eat as well. Chicken probably!! Well, so long as I don't have potatoes, should stay in ketosis. Am worried have changed diet from Cambridge into a Cambridge/Atkins hybrid. Still, it's reassuring that the red meat I had this weekend really wasn't all that, although I'm not sure The Farmhouse is really the best place to judge gourmet cuisine!! Other things I did were go to the pub and have a fab time on Friday (slightly stoned so in v chatty, jovial mood and didn't talk about diet once), watched an obscene amount of films plus bad serial killer documentary, cooked everyone bacon sarnies, got really monged until I ran out of draw, went shopping and got lovely earrings from Graham and a pashmina from Helen (oh, I hate having no money) and generally chatted lots and didn't think about food at all. However, did have 9 people in flat on Friday night after pub and cut tetra out of packet to eat discretely in manner of ice-cream while everyone else had a bottle of champagne (betweeen them, not each!!). Unfortunately though, had left it in there for hours and it was completely solid so came out as a hard square brick and kept getting weird looks and had to keep explaining to people that I don't know very well what it was and why I was chipping away at it with a knife desperately attempting to get in. Got a bit fed up at this stage as it instigated discussions of great length about the CamDie and the weirdarse stuff I eat. Did explain that most things I 'eat' come out of a glass or jug with a spoon but appreciate people must have thought it was a bit weird to be eating a dark brown solid square lump. And everyone was watching me for the whole hour or whatever it took me to eat it. So, note to self, don't leave tetras in the freezer for too long and eat them alone.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Don't understand strange diet

Well after all of last weeks messing around with SS, AAM, missing packs (slapped wrist from CDM about that) and those 2 meals I went for, plus the added puffy and fat feeling, I was certainly not expecting to lose anything, let alone 3lbs!! Infact I find it hard to believe as I was examining my stomach last night and I looked and felt really bloated yesterday, also I am covered in spots on my chin. A top that I thought looked really nice in the shops last weekend didn't look flattering at all anymore, or maybe I was just having an insecure day. Maybe her scales are dodgy - I bet if I went to Tesco, their scales would say I'm still near 11 stone!! Regardless, only 2 MORE POUNDS to go and I will be in the 9s YIPEEE!!!! Maybe it was all that water on Wednesday? Anyway, I'm not going to beat myself up again now about going to restaurants so long as I make the right choices. Not that that means I'm going to give myself license to go out for a meal every week but at least I know I am moving into a different stage of this journey and am now having to consider life beyond milkshakes and bars but that I CAN keep it under control and still enjoy a meal out. She didn't have any toffee bars so had to have cranberry and chocolate, picked up loads of tetras to freeze too. Am going to follow AAM strictly this week and not mess around. The grilled chicken I had last night again with celery sticks was really good so I'm quite happy with that. As far as I'm concerned, after thinking about my finances over the last couple of days, the sooner I can reduce the cost of this diet, the better. Initially I thought it would save me money as nothing spent on food or drink but I never spent very much on food anyway as I had a free lunch and just picked up cheap basics at the supermarket, and I was never spending that much on going to the pub either, so CamDie (and new clothes) are most definitely responsible for current dire bank situation. Nevermind, it's worth it. So long as I can try and rein in some control on the overdraft over the next few weeks. More arguing with Graham over him not having a job and not being able to share use of the car when I go to my new job. He has a temping assignment starting Monday but it's a bit of a nightmare to get to on public transport. I hope he get something in central Ipswich or even in Woodbridge soon then we can stop arguing :( Still, we should all have a nice and chilled weekend as people are down to visit hurrah!!

So, as it stands currently, my losses are:

Started Fri 04/08 - weight 12 st 7, BMI 29.1(5'5")/28.2(5'6") - MUST go and get measured somewhere!!
Week 1 (SS) - 12 st 3, loss of 4lbs, BMI 28.5/27.6
Week 2 (SS) - 11 st 10, loss of 7lbs, 11lb loss total, BMI 27.3/26.5
Week 3 (SS) - 11 st 6, loss of 4lbs, 15lb loss total, BMI 26.6/25.8
Week 4 (SS) - 11 st 4, loss of 2lbs, 17lb loss total, BMI 26.3/25.5
Week 5 (AAM) - 11 st, loss of 4lbs, 21lb loss total, BMI 25.6/24.9
Week 6 (SS) - 10 st 12, loss of 2lbs, 23lb loss total, BMI 25.3/24.5
Week 7 (SS) - 10 st 9, loss of 3lbs, 26lb loss total, BMI 24.8/24
Week 8 (SS) - 10 st 6, loss of 3lbs, 29lb loss total, BMI 24.3/23.6
Week 9 (SS) - 10 st 4, loss of 2lbs, 31lb loss total, BMI 24/23.2
Week 10 (AAM/SS/meals/anything!!) - 10 st 1, loss of 3lbs, 34lb loss total, BMI 23.5/22.8

One pound off 2 and a half stone gone (gone where, where does it actually go??). I can't believe I've got to this stage, I was never really sure if I could do it. I think at the back of my mind I told myself I proabably wouldn't, just in case I failed. If I can do this, anyone can.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I am the God of ketosis!!

Tested my wee this morning (although I was a bit scared to after Nandos pig out on Tuesday) and still perfectly in ketosis yay!! Guess it's because I had protein and veg and no carbs. This ketosis thing is great. Oh, but felt terrible yesterday though. Don't know if it was the meal, eating only 2 packs on Tuesday to try and compensate for it or not having as much water usual as I was in Hainult or a combination of these things but I had a headache, had the shakes really bad and felt weak and awful, especially when I stood up. Maybe 'cos I've spent the last few days messing around with this diet and affected my blood sugar levels? Regardless, I drank over 6 litres of water yesterday to try and flush the Nandos evil out of my system and had all 3 shakes and my AAM, just like I said I would, although think I'm overestimating the amount of chicken I can have (no scales - must get some). Tried a bit of tikka powder on the chicken as it didn't have sugar or salt in it and it was GOOD, with loads of little celery, crudite type sticks (proably over 2 spoons worth but come on, it's celery). Massive row with Graham last night though which wasn't quite so good but seemed sorted by the end of the night (well as sorted as it ever will be 'cos I became too stressed to argue anymore so I smoked a joint and watched Jam with him instead). Interested to see weigh in results tonight, puffiness round my fingers went yesterday but seems to be back this morning - water retention?? I will update when I'm back from Liz's. Oh, and I am officially skint. I went to pay for the petrol last night and couldn't as my card didn't work and had to sheepishly ask Graham to lend me the money after telling him to f**k off mid-row. Must stop spending on eBay (2 new tops this morning so enough to go on now really) and take control of my money. It stresses me out big time and that I don't need.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Oh dear. It's all gone a bit awry.

Hmmm, this week everything's gone a bit wrong with the diet. I have to eat humble pie now as I've always bigged myself up for being so self-disciplined and not having cheated. Apart from that chicken leg and celery in week 7, I hadn't had anything other than the strict AAM stuff, shakes, bars, soups, mousses, water, coke/dr pepper zero and Marigold (both of the latter I was told are OK by Liz although I have heard conflicting information on this). Then I went for that chicken tandoori in week 9, which wasn't that bad as I went straight back to the diet and still lost 2lbs last week. From last Thursday however, I SS'd on Friday (although had a couple of bites of chicken mum forced me to eat), had just 2 diet packs and then a meal out on Saturday for mum's birthday, SS'd on Sunday, did AAM on Monday (but added way too much Marigold by mistake and it was really, really salty) and yesterday, had just 2 diet packs again and went out with Graham for our 6th anniversary. I was in Essex all day to train my replacement at work and between 8.15am and 6.30pm only had a bar as I was busy, and hardly any water, which made me feel rubbish and headachy. Got home and had a shake but then we decided to go to the cinema and Nandos. We ordered a platter to share and had half a chicken each - I had mine with green salad and Graham had the chips, plus I had a mineral water. Thing is though, I swear I could taste lemon in the hot sauce on the chicken. I know it's still not that bad and I'm sticking to protein and veg but the meat I had was way in excess of the 50g I'm meant to have and was probably covered in fat and salt. I get the sneaking suspicion that now I'm a bit happier with the way I look and my target is in sight, I am sabotaging the diet, telling myself I can relax a bit more. Added to that, I have spots and feel bloated so can only assume TOTM on top of it (though silver lining and all - it will be 5 periods in 5 months for the first time EVER if I'm on next week). The ring I wear on my middle finger was starting to get lose a few days ago, for the first time in ages, and now it's really tight again. I'm scared to test for ketosis as I've been lucky to be in it wihout fail from the start of the diet and worried I knocked myself out of it last night. I wonder whether I should up my target weight but then I will only disappoint myself for not getting down to 9 stone and I know I will only be doing it to shorten the length of my diet, although strangely I also don't want to come off the diet either and go into maintenance. Thing is, it will take ages at this rate so I must get strict again and worry about the future when it comes. I have been invited out for another meal this weekend for Graham's mum's birthday but I have a good excuse to get out of that as Ken is coming to visit, plus they are going to a pizza/pasta place which truely will test my sanity, so won't be going. I wouldn't even mind that much - after all, my BMI is in the healthy range (assuming I haven't put weight ON this week), I'm in a size 12, I am still off the booze and still making reasonably sensible choices - but it's just the money. It's not really worth £34 per week if I'm going to cheat. My overdraft has been tested to it's limits and beyond with this diet. So, today I am going to drink tonnes of water, have 2 shakes and a mousse and probably my AAM this evening as I have to eat the celery/mushroooms and chicken in the fridge (I shall turn into a chicken at this rate) without Marigold. Then weigh in tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to, and a new start from Friday, following only my strict AAM stuff. Oh, and another thing that bothers me is the same thing I said after the tandoori - that I was expecting to be stuffed after a few bites of chicken and have to leave loads of it but I polished off half a chicken with ease and then even picked some bits off Graham's chicken, effectively meaning I had MORE than him (though he ate a disgusting amount of chips which were blatantly meant to be shared!!). Why can't I control my greed?

Monday, October 09, 2006

Piccie of me at 10 stone 4lbs

Well here is a piccie of me at the restaurant on Saturday (my bottle of fizzy water is visible on the right!!). You can't see the rest of me yet - I am saving a full body pic for when I have lost the last 19lbs. I know I look slim in this picture (hurrah) but mum's just emailed some full length ones as well and I still have a bigger waist/tummy area than I want despite Trinny and Susannah inspired methods of visual illusion. It's not the best picture in the world as I look like I'm about to say something (plus big nose which I can't do anything about) but at least I have a defined chin now and much skinnier arms plus it's a massive step that I'm even prepared to put any picture of me on display!! I need to put some before pictures on now really. That won't be quite so fun.

Oh and another thing....

Tried a frozen chocolate tetra at the weekend (frozen overnight and then left out for a few minutes to soften). Once I'd finally cut it out of the box, it was absolutely GORGEOUS. A definite recommendation to any CamDiers out there ;)

Another weekend been and gone

So, I was supposed to start AAM on Friday but I knew that I had to go to the restaurant on Saturday evening with mum and her boyfriend (who didn't recognise me when we went in to meet him!!) so had just shakes on Friday and Sunday with plenty of water, plus I was good at the restaurant so hopefully won't be too bad. Had a smoked salmon terrine for starter with rocket and dill sauce. Didn't like the sauce anyway so that was good, there was no lemon on it (I think) and gave hunk of freshly baked bread to mum (with difficulty, she had to wrestle it from me) so mostly just a block of salmon with a bit of lettuce stuff. Resisted bread rolls. Then had lots of pan fried scallops and (4) mussels with a leaf salad which allegedly had a (vierne??) sauce on but I couldn't see any, washed down with sparkling water. They were yummy. And expensive. Then had an expresso. And it was all fine, I didn't feel deprived at all. I would have probably ordered the chicken with cheese and chive mash before but it's nice to have fish for a change. Tried some of mum's sea bass and a tiny lump of Ernie's lamb and were both delicious but was so pleased with my self-control. Puddings looked well nice but even if I had given into one, which I don't think I would have, I was stuffed anyway. Infact, the only time I was really naughty was when I didn't have my third pack as I couldn't face it when I got back to mum's. Was still in ketosis when I got home last night and yet again, don't feel guilty about it as I know my BMI is under 25 so I am going to have to start getting used to food and making healthy choices soon. Mind you, I do sometimes worry that I'm making subconscious attempts to sabotage the end of my diet so it takes longer for me to get out of diet mode and enter the real, scary world of maintenance. I still have those 19lbs to go after all and I was doing everything perfectly until last weekend. Mum really doesn't want me to lose anymore which is silly really as she was slimmer than this when she was my age. She thinks I'd be good as a CDC too, plus she says if I do become one, she might do the diet herself, for cut prices of course!! She bought me some tops again bless her, and it was her birthday!! I was a bit over-optimistic and bought some more cheap size 10 t-shirts but going to have to swap these for size 12s as they are way too tight (that size 10 I can get into is clearly a mutant size 10 that doesn't match any other known clothes sizes. What if it's a size 16 with the wrong label on it and I have been deluding myself??). Must be more patient. Overall though, weekend OK. Bit boring but OK.

Can't seem to shake off hunger though. Have been really hungry over the last couple of weeks. Probably psychological hunger but doesn't feel like it. Especially round about this time (11am) when I had my last shake at about half eight and want to stuff bar down my face. If I'm staying late at work tonight though, better hold out as long as I can for 'lunch'. Chicken with mushrooms tonight, yum. 6 year anniversary tomorrow - surely I can't possibly justify going out for another meal. Can I? Oh no, I hope this isn't the slipperly slope towards regain and/or never getting those last pounds off.

Resolution for this week - to not buy anything off eBay at all. Getting thinner is exciting but costing me a fortune in clothes.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Week 9 results

A 2lb loss last night. Was hoping for 3lbs minimum but guess I can't complain as I did have that chicken tandoori I shouldn't have had. Wee stick a bit dark but that was becuase I was so busy on my day off work I didn't have my usual intake of water. Down to 10 stone 4lbs and getting really impatient to get into the 9s now but I'm conscious that although I feel in my mind like I'm getting towards the end of my diet and 'relaxing' a bit more, there is a great danger of complacency now as I still have 19lbs to go. Must stay focussed. Discussed this whole BMI and SSing stuff with Liz - her opinion (contrary to the official CamDie manifesto) is that as my weight loss is slow, she wouldn't have a problem with me staying on SS at all even though my BMI is now either 24 (if I'm 5'5") or 23.2 (if I'm 5'6"). However, as it is AAM week anyway, she suggested maybe I do that, see what my loss is and then do another week of it before we decide whether I should stay on AAM or go up to 790. Going for a meal for my mum's birthday tomorrow so much self-control will have to be exercised. I'm driving for one so can 'get out' of drinking but will just have to order a meal without carbs. Pretty confident I can do it, especially after I was so good at the Indian. So long as I just have the AAM stuff the rest of the week, it should be OK but I hope I'm in the 9s by week 11 weigh in on the 19th. That weekend in London seeing friends we haven't seen since I've been dieting should keep me motivated.

Got my hair done. Wasn't quite what I envisaged when I said I wanted blonde hair. Rather than being actual blonde, it's got highlights of blonde in the brown (think Louise in Hollyoaks) which actually looks quite fab, although disturbingly it is now almost identical to my mum's hair. It's got funky layers in it too now. Takes a bit of getting used to although think everyone likes it (other than Darren - poos to him). Will have to get some piccies posted on this blog. One good thing and one bad thing was said to me at the hairdressers. First the good - I was talking about the diet and explaining to the girl that I wanted a new look cos I have lost 3 stone (OK that was a complete lie but I wanted to look more impressive!!!). She asked how much more I wanted to lose and I said I wanted to get down to a size 10. Now, I don't know if she was just being sweet but she said I looked like a size 10 already to her yay!!! But then the bad thing - the woman having her hair done next to me announced that she had done the CamDie years ago and that you just put all the weight back on plus more. Silly woman, she made me feel really bad just when I was getting all positive about myself. Ho-hum.