My life on the Cambridge Diet

2008-07-12T18:19:00.001Z

The night before weigh-in

2008-04-02T22:24:00.002Z

Tomorrow will be the first time I've weighed myself in ages. Can't believe I got to 9 stone 9 last time but suspect won't have lost anything. If I've gained, I've got to get really, really strict again. Really noticing the weight and starting to get kind of body issues now. Rachel was a sweetie and said I look like I've lost some. She has put a bit on and claimed to be 9 stone 4 although she looked really slim to me, as usual. I definitely don't look "thin" anymore though. In fact, without clothes I look positively repulsive - everything is all flabby and saggy, probably objecting to constant weight gain and loss and has kind of given up in a big sloppy pile. I forgot to mention one of the main reasons I have put on over the last 3 months is that I have gone back on the pill, a seriously major factor for me. Apart from making me fat, it is making my boobs HUGE and sore again. Well anyway, I have been sort of OK. Brekkies have been banana on toast, yoghurt, that sort of thing. Weetabix, low fat soup and/or fruit for lunch. Had salmon the other night with broccoli in cheese sauce but ended up eating entire bowl of broccoli (good) with the cheese (not so good). Had mackerel in tomato sauce on toast for dinner tonight and have had dodgy tummy all day so have probably pooed some lbs out :D Have managed to keep water intake between 1-2 litres a day. Not good but better. Of course did have a huge pizza last night followed by melty chocolate pudding thing afterwards and a glass of wine in Colchester but this was all planned. Tomorrow having Weetabix, low fat soup and roll, maybe a 10 cal jelly and then a WW dinner. For definite. Oh, had a Slim Fast this morning and it's gross. Urgh. Nowhere near as nice as CamDie chocolate mint, sigh. Will update on horrendous weight tomorrow. Somewhere between 9 stone 7lbs and 10 stone I reckon. Hopefully at lower end.

Whoops....

2008-03-30T22:45:00.002Z

Hmmm. Not quite so good today. Started off OK. Mackerel with multiseed toast to start with, then another stir-fry with salmon and veg but put noodles it it (whoops). One strawberry. I also managed 2 litres of water today and that doesn't include all the Diet Coke/Coke Zero I consumed as well, though did go to loo about a thousand times. Then I went to work, told the chef his chocolate fudge cake looked yummy and then he cut me off half a slice. Well I couldn't say no could I? Why is it as soon as you're on a diet people offer you chocolate left, right and centre. Was very delish. But kind of ruined the whole weekend's virtue. And am STILL feeling fatter than ever. Is it just 'cos now I've made a conscious effort to be good I've noticed it, because I'm coming out of denial? Or is it all this Diet Coke making me bloated or something?? No idea. Can't believe I haven't had a drop of alcohol all weekend. Was soooooo boring. Better have more fun over the next few days or may as well be fat, house/work-bound loner anyway and at least enjoy my food, if nothing else :(

Better today

2008-03-29T18:20:00.002Z

Right, a bowl of strawberries with fat free yoghurt and some oats for brekkie. Then a Slim Fast 99 cal bar a couple of hours later. Then had to leave house and stop thinking about food. An apple when I got back and a few sneaky mouthfuls of the low fat turkey korma I made (which is now frozen phew!!). Dinner was a big plate of pork and veg stir-fry. Off to work in a mo - yep my life sucks that much I now have to work in a bar at the weekends serving idiots until 1am. When I get back though I'm gonna be ravenous but will try to resist. Haven't had any bread, pasta, rice potatoes or anything of that nature today. Marvellous. Feel fatter than ever....

Oh one thing that is proving impossible is trying to up my water intake. Strange. Used to manage about 4/5 litres on CamDie. Struggling through ONE litre and having to top up liquid intake with Coke Zero. Will probably drink my own bodyweight in Diet Coke behind bar tonight but am on feet and burning calories I guess :)

I'm back!!

2008-03-28T20:31:00.002Z

Oh no!! I don't know how much I weigh anymore cos I'm too scared to stand on the scales - a VERY bad sign and I know I'm reaching denial again, which is the killer. I've done so well - a whole year was managed under 9 and a half stone. Lightest ever was a shocking 8 stone 10 :o But it's falling apart a little now. Split up with Graham, moved into a flat by myself, got a new job which hasn't been going very wel, even more skint than ever, seeing someone else.....Life's been busy. Put lots on on holiday in Sept 2007 but was so good when I came back lost most of it. Then drunk/ate loads at Christmas and since I have moved in on my own and CANNOT get back on it. Last weigh-in was 9 stone 9lbs 2 weeks ago. Not terrible admittedly and by no means the 12 and a half stone I started off on but I am definitely losing plot now. Anyway, have tried to get back to thin mindset from today so had my last supper of a pizza last night and today have had a banana and fat free yoghurt for brekkie, low fat leek and potato soup and a seeded roll and an apple for lunch, with a highlights. Then there was a bit of a slip up when an officer offered me a choccie biscuit with my Lady Grey tea (!!) but ended up giving me half when I said I was on a diet. Er, then mackerel and toast for home time and some stir-fried steak with veg for dinner. No drinking this weekend, eek. Just Coke zero and a bifta at the moment - some things never change. Actually that all sounds rather a lot but not much crap which is good. Very virtuous. Have some Slim Fast too as was on offer but not sure how this will compare to Cambridge. Bit unsure at the mo but plenty of veg in the fridge so that's good. A healthy diet should get me down to just over 9 stone I reckon, IF I stick to it. Should be fine this week (apart from errant dinner out with 8 and a half stone stick Rachel).

Oh, I forgot to post anything on here for over a month!!

2007-01-03T20:24:00.000Z

Hi there!! You thought I had forgotten all about my blog didn't you?? Well, what with not having internet access at work and simply not being bothered at home, I have just not been coming on here at all. Plus job has been so exciting I almost forgot all about diet and doesn't really feel like I'm on one anymore. I finally managed to get down to 9 stone 3 at my weigh in just before Christmas and, as that was in the evening, must have been at 9 stone, at the most, in the morning and was dead chuffed. Say WAS as has all gone a bit wrong over Christmas and this morning's weigh in said 9 stone 4 and this evening's 9 stone 7, or 8 if I leaned back a bit so I avoided doing that (on new posh Salter scales I got from John Lewis in the sales - essential New Year buy to keep weight maintained. Good idea but on wonky 16th century floor, not very reliable methinks). So what took me weeks and weeks to get off (those last few pounds were a real pain in the arse and took forever to come off, not really helped by my more relaxed attitude to food when I came off 1000 and started ignoring the menu plans) has all gone on in the course of about a week and a half of meals out, sweets, loads of booze, buffets and Christmas lunch. It's really depressing actually and I feel about 3 stone heavier. Bloated and spotty again too. Still, I must press on with losing the half stone AGAIN :( and yesterday had 2 Cambridge packs, mackerel on toast and home made veg soup with a roll and today I had one of my homemade muesli bars, more soup and a roll, mackerel on toast and about to have a shake. Quite nice to get back on it again in a strange way though not looking forward to a weekend without an excessive meal or any wine but want to get back down to the size I was just before Xmas and absolutely determined to not let this be the start of putting it all back on again.

I lied - week 14 and 15

2006-11-19T13:35:00.000Z

What am I like? So caught up with new job and not being on internet, I completely lied on my last post and did in fact lose 1lb (better than nothing I suppose) in week 14 as the weigh in was the day before I went to Bristol and lost nothing in week 15, which was the Thursday just gone. Week 14 was my 2nd week of 790 and week 15 was the first week of 1000 as explained below. So this weeks weigh in is week 16, 2nd week of 1000 and FOUR WHOLE MONTHS from the beginning of this crazyarsed dieting journey. Did actually think I would be 9 stone by four months but didn't account for the fact that weight loss slows down dramatically by this stage. So, I am 9 stone 8lbs, 1lb off nine and a half stone and 8lbs from target (though starting to wonder if 9 stone might be too low....).

Week 14 results

2006-11-19T13:10:00.000Z

Well I went on 1000 finally but skipped the carbs in week 14 as I had a major pig out at Bristol where I had (wait for it) about 5 glasses of wine on Friday (room was spinning after half a glass but strangely didn't stop me drinking anymore or give me a hangover), a cappucino, BBQ chicken wings, steak and chips with salad, a whole bottle of wine and half a tub of Ben and Jerrys on Saturday (eek) and roast chicken on Sunday with only 3 potatoes and lots of veg. Would have been happy to skip the roast but Emma made it specially so couldn't refuse ;) It was all delicious and suprisingly easy to eat which is a bad sign as was expecting to not be able to manage all that. Having said that, no problems going straight back onto diet on the Monday and currently having bar in the morning, a bowl of porridge with fruit sugar, a bit of fruit and a cup of fruit tea at lunch, a choc-mint mousse with added husks when I get in and salmon/chicken/turkey later on with veg, and since last weigh in I have been having the carbs too (but v carefully weighed). Wholemeal pasta is actually really nice and not that much different from white so that's good. I have to say though that the ice cream last weekend was DIVINE and the nicest thing I have possibly EVER eaten. Never even much of an ice cream fan before which is strange. Anyway, the result of all this indulgence was that I lost NOTHING on Thursday at weigh in, which was disappointing but definitely worth it methinks. I only hope I lose this week as my losses are becoming ridiculously low now - 2lbs in 3 weeks. I wouldn't mind but as I've said before, it's the money that bothers me. Starting at gym on Monday which will help towards the toning. Did buy some size 10 skinny jeans yesterday though so it's certainly not all bad. Just wish was more in proportion and didn't have massive top half on top of matchsticks. Know I'm not filling in much of this blog now but with all the food on 1000 doesn't even feel like I'm dieting anymore at the mo (though must resist temptation to treat myself at weekends until completely stabilised, hopefully at 9 stone).

Week 13 - unlucky for me

2006-11-06T18:33:00.000Z

Well I'm almost on weeks 14s weigh-in and haven't even posted week 13s results, what am I like?? Lost one poxy pound last week but considering in the end I did have that half muffin (only half mind - gave Alex other half) and sliver of carrot and orange cake, it's all I deserve I guess. V naughty. First real carbs since beginning of August. Was it worth it? Well the carrot cake was gorgeous but the muffin was a bit rich for me and made me feel sick for the rest of the day plus think I got major sugar rush. Strange - sure could have managed a couple before!! All good I suppose though. My weight has ONLY TWO NUMBERS in it now wow!!! I am 9 stone 9lbs. Want to go up to 1000 and thought I would by this stage but Liz thought it was a bad idea which surprised me. I think she thinks I'm going to put it all back on again when I introduce carbs which isn't very reassuring. After the first day of my new job though am going to have to go on it soon as it's a really intense job with lots of moving around and mental energy needed for constant chatting and smiling and stress. Water consumption has taken a nosedive as expected as can't sit with 2 litre bottle at all times or go to loo without asking someone to unlock it and only had time for my bar on the way to work in the car and one shake in the mess at lunch mixed in a tiny cup with one of those rubbish plastic things. So didn't want to start new job on diet but nevermind. Might avoid mess in future and just stay in staff room as food looked really good (but bad, bad, bad - pie and mash etc). At least they have a fridge and microwave (for yummy, yummy porridge) in the staff room though. Can't believe how forward I'm looking to porridge. Have bought it already and it's sitting in the cupboard looking suggestively at me. God, I want some porridge. Would warm me up a treat too esp at work where I am freezing my little fingers off and wearing gloves with holes in, to the vast amusement of the lads there. They told me I have a nicer figure than one of the other girls there. Of course that was completely mean and I told them off but can't help smiling as I thought I was probably fatter than her when I went for the interview!! Seem to have a few fans there and glad I wasn't fat, even though the minute I annoy them they will tell me I'm a fat bitch anyway (I have no illusions). I know it's so shallow and shouldn't matter but I just feel like I have more control now over them than I would have done previously. That sounds really bad though doesn't it? Think I'll shut up now as not explaining myself v well. Maybe it just comes from more self-confidence anyway and is nothing to do with what I look like to others.

Bought loads of clothes the other day. Was intending to buy them for work but ended up in the sales getting going out clothes instead. Bought a pair of size 12 jeans from Oasis (reduced from £50 to £25 - bargain!!) and they are, wait for it, TOO BIG. Mind you, think they said something about washing them before wearing them to fit so probably supposed to be like that. Never bought anything in Oasis before as too scared of it. Still felt like a huge fat monster in Republic though where tried woolly jacket on (perfect for job) but looked like fat bear so put that aside. Colours are also making a introduction - even bought a top in a kind of acid green colour (nicer than it sounds, honest).

Have also been good since week 13s weigh in (apart from water) so hopefully will have better results to report this week. Fingers crossed for 9 and a half stone then only 7lbs yay!!! Bristol definitely on though this weekend so might not lose anything next week or, even worse, may put on. Ooh, and a friend's girlfriend has been on the CamDie for 6 weeks now and been very good and looks fantastic so I'm really pleased for her. She was asking me about diet, I feel v inspirational and fabby and full of feminine empowerment or something. Darren had said something ages ago about how if I went on this diet and it worked then she might follow suit as she was unhappy with her weight. Mind you it's even worse for her as she has to contend with the huge amounts of food her boyfriend eats!! Maybe we'll all end up on it haha.

Muffin indecisions!!

2006-10-31T12:01:00.000Z

CRB form finally came through yesterday so now all of a sudden, I'm leaving Felixstowe today, going to Hainult again tomorrow (with the boss on my own in the car which I'm dreading) to train my replacement more and then going to the YOI on Thursday to have my security training and starting on Monday. Friday off to buy clothes. Arrrggghh!!! I know I've waited ages but now it's all happening so quickly. Graham has told his new job people he is staying so we have to go and find him a car this week so he can drive himself in. It's a bit mad and I'm really scared though the lady on the phone I'll be working with sounds nice so that's good. Don't think they are going to recognise me when I turn up for work as now about 3 stone lighter!!

Made some muffins last night and brought a carrot and orange cake for last day, as is tradition. They smell so good and I can smell them from here as they are on the desk opposite me. Ben said they are very good and he should really have them all!! Really wrestling with conscience here as I really want one. Don't know why as wasn't ever planning to have one before this morning in the car but think I deserve a treat for new job plus cooking the things and smelling them all last night and this morning was torture enough. But still in ketosis and don't want to have to get back into it again. But OH MY GOD they smell good......Don't know what to do. Don't know if I'll last out until the end of the day without having some cake. Could move them I suppose.... Currently stirring myself a yummy, lumpy choc-mint shake while I make a decision.

Had a steak on Sunday but ordered it with a corn on the cob instead of chips at the ol' naffy Hungry Horse again (card worked this time though). Wanted peppercorn sauce but didn't have any (v good) and just a mineral water to drink. Wasn't very nice even though had been looking forward to a steak for ages. Ho-hum. Costumes were brilliant for Halloween even if I say so myself - must get some piccies and post them on here as the four of us looked fab as zombies.

Time of the month finally turned up. Hopefully this means should lose a bit more on Thursday (or will it be next Thursday) - perhaps this means I can get away with the muffin? Heavy and awful - enough said. Stressed out and shouty about new job, going with boss to Essex tomorrow, Graham needing a car NOW and felt awful last night, like I was going to explode with irritation. Went out to the cinema with a friend's girlfriend though and spent a long time chatting to another girl on Saturday night so hopefully some more friends in the area. Poor old Graham is getting a bit of a hard time from me recently. And it doesn't help that I will need to travel over to Bristol as soon as I have finished my first week on the new job, although I am looking forward to my pig-out and wine!! Think it might make me really ill though!!

Right, shake has gone down nicely and will give it until this afternoon to make decision on cake as not hungry now. If I do have something will have half a muffin and a sliver of carrot cake. Gonna try the curly kale tonight as it's still sitting in the bag and I don't really know how to cook it and I'm also desperately gonna try and chill out before I give myself a mental problem.

Week 12 weigh in WOO-HOO!!!!

2006-10-27T09:13:00.000Z

Was dreading it but turns out no need as lost another 4lbs which takes me into the 9s and 9 stone 10 at that!! This 790 thing is great. Only one more pound and there will only be 2 numbers in my weight for the first time in ages. Very happy about this but can't think what the difference would be that would make me lose more than I have done for 7 weeks. Don't care really so long as it keeps going. Going to stay on 790 for now - I know it's expensive but I rather like it. No carbs yet, still got more to lose. There is my weekend in Bristol which I did say I was going to eat and drink whatever the hell I liked but there's an annoying sensible monster at the back of my mind saying just have one glass of wine, or two with soda water, and don't get a pizza, have something else. What's happened to me?!! The lovely lady who sits next to me at work brought me in some curly kale from her garden as I was explaining to her that I only like v limited veg but am trying some new things - she's bought a whole Tesco bag full!! I will update on the kale - hope it doesn't make me fart as much as those spring greens. Peanut bar was actually really good too and to think I don't really like nuts. Was hoping to get some more last night but Liz only had four chocolate bars as the delivery guy hadn't brought them so I have to call the other CDC and get them from her (and can get some lovely toffee bars again, have missed them). Wonder what she's like? Apparantly she only lives down the road from me so can't quite remember now why I didn't pick her instead of Liz but it doesn't matter - I rather like Liz. Treated myself to a size 12 pair of jeans last night (from Tesco but don't tell anyone - they're actually quite nice and look well cut) and they are a tiny bit baggy round the bum and legs (gasp) but of course not baggy at all round my flabby tummy. Nevermind, my confidence has been restored again and I'm sure I can get down to that size 10. At least it's nice to know I'm a real size 12 and not a pretend size 12 where I'm really a 14 or 16 and squeeze myself uncomfortably into organ crushing clothes!!

Richard is visiting this weekend. Will be good to see him - can't believe I've lost another 1olbs since we spent that weekend with him in Cornwall. Going in fancy dress to a Halloween party tomorrow night and can't wait (Andy at the Ufford Crown said I was looking good when we went last week to pick up the tickets, yay!!). Also helping out hand out drinks for an antiques shop sale tonight - only 2 and a half hours work for £20 and I get to wear a pretty dress. Must get weed for this weekend but where??

BTW if anyone out there actually reads this (and I'm pretty sure nobody does and I'm just talking to myself) then Graham and I are setting up a MySpace film review site at www.myspace.com/film_dissec_tors - check it out. And leave me a comment to let me know what you think of my blog. Please.

Close to week 12 weigh in

2006-10-25T12:47:00.000Z

If I'm not in the 9s tomorrow, I'm going to be seriously pissed off. Getting really anxious about it. I have stuck to 790 this week but then don't feel like I've lost any and STILL no sign of period (don't know why I expect it as before diet would have been lucky to have one every 2/3 months but have just been feeling like it's gonna come any minute). My dinners have been really nice, especially plain steamed chicken and asparagus with no seasoning at all suprisingly. Rang CRB and form still with police so doesn't look like I'm in danger of starting new job (or gym) anytime soon :( It'll be Bristol visit in a couple of weekends time and I had anticipated being very almost at target by then and wanted to eat and drink anything I wanted. I don't know what to do about that weekend as it was going to be a massive treat for me after being so good for so long and I'll probably be on 1000 but I know that a dinner out will involve LOTS of wine and carbs. Another thing is I don't want to spend the rest of the weekend being ill because of alcohol but don't think I'm prepared to not drink as have forgoed the booze for 12 weeks and haven't seen my friends from home in months. Perhaps better to see nearer the time.

Got a free chocolate bar in the post today so gave it to Ben at work and felt generous as well as virtuous. My God though, that Green and Blacks butterscotch would have been good though.

Have been cooking lots for Graham this week and making his sandwiches (a money saving ploy after he saw his canteen prices at work) with no problems whatsoever. Actually missed cooking and it's nice to get back into it. I guess after almost 12 weeks on the diet and knowing that you can have a nice and reasonable sized dinner makes it a lot easier. Have been checking out some low GI diet recipes and found some nice stuff which even I like, which is encouraging. They even let you have cookies (albeit made with kidney beans!!!!!) and bran muffins.

My 50th post

2006-10-23T14:37:00.000Z

Wow, 50 posts, that's a whole lot of discussing my diet. Not much to report over the last few days. Being properly on 790 is weird - it feels like I'm eating so much. One good thing is that I can take all my 3 packs into work and have the bar first thing in the morning knowing I can still have 2 shakes before I leave as the afternoon at work had become my hungriest time. Couldn't possibly skip 'breakfast' now. A WHOLE grilled chicken breast for dinner with Italian garlic and herbs (took me ages to find a suitable jar in Tescos that didn't have sugar or salt as the main ingredient) and over the weekend I had it with some mixed cabbage/leeks/spring greens blanched in Marigold which I LIKED (my mother would pass out with the shock). Did discover a most unfortunate side effect though when I went out and was doing the most evil farts so I had celery last night instead. Asparagus tonight. Ring on my finger has been gettting tight again and definitely not hopeful for my week 12 weigh in. Another thing is that a weeks supply of chicken and veg cost me £19 which on top of the cost of all the packs was rather horrifying. Better be worth it is all I can say. Felt fat again at the weekend, didn't even feel like I'd lost ANY weight at all. What is this weird bloated heifer like feeling all about?? Probably my damn hormones.

Rach looked really good with her one and a half stone weight loss and is at the same weight as me. Says she's having issues with the last stone so she can join my club. She's been doing a far more sensible diet involving exercise and all and even had a bacon and egg roll on Saturday. Did wonder whether a diet where I could treat myself at the weekends like that would have been better but wasn't that bothered by the sandwich shop to be honest - I used it as a chance to see what healthier options I would have from the board if I was eating (although anything with tonnes of mayo in it was about a thousand times more appealing, I decided a ham, honey roast beef or pesto chicken granary roll would be good). Had lots of frozen tetras, a delicious caramel bar (haven't tried the peanut yet), banana mousse and chicken instead so didn't even mind too much Graham eating 2 pizzas this weekend either. Although could have done with a few glasses of wine to accompany girly chat :( Other than that a subdued and rainy weekend. Spent all of Sunday doing MP3 things and trying to log onto Russian websites for cheap downloads which wouldn't accept my money.

The good news, the bad news and the bad news

2006-10-20T09:47:00.000Z

Well, went to Rendlesham last night for my weigh in and the good news is that I am still well in ketosis despite ketostix the other day. Infact the stick was really quite dark but as I pointed out, I had been stuck in the car for over an hour so hadn't had a drink for ages plus I might have guessed I was still in as I am absolutely freezing cold in this office, brrrrrrr - I actually have goosebumps on my arms!! Also, I have lost weight. The bad news is that I only lost a pound and the other bad news is my waist and hip measurements were actually higher than 2 weeks ago when she last did them. So still stuck in the tens at 10 stone exactly and will never assume again that I will lose 2lbs minimum every week. Bummer. Reasons for rubbish results - oh, I can think of a thousand. As well as the two slightly naughty meals I had this week which included small amounts of things not in the brochure (the roast beef/steak on Sunday and the oil/bacon/cheese/pesto on Tuesday), I have been slacking on the water over the last couple of days as it was starting to make me feel uncomfortably full, still no sign of the painters although I still feel PMTish and bloated, the tikka powder for the chicken (and Marigold) contains salt which makes water retention worse AND I haven't had a poo in ages (far too much talk of poo and periods on this blog). At least it's a loss though, could be worse. It's not like I'd ever consider just giving up as I've come this far and I'm committed to it now. It's just disappointing and expensive as Liz and I decided there's absolutely no way I should go up to 1000 and should stay religiously on 790 - so 3 packs a day still AND the expense of the chicken and stuff. She says if I can't manage to control my constant excuses for going out for meals, even if I have been restrained for the most part, I will have to go back down to AAM to get these last pesky pounds off. No toffee bars again - nooooooo. Had to pick up a new range of bars - like the cranberry but they have been making me fart (bum references getting too much now!!), even picked up a peanut as thought I'd give it a go though not very keen on nuts. Going to have v virtuous steamed chicken and celery tonight and NOT the Indian I was suggesting to Graham we take Rach and Si to (they are visiting for the weekend). I was only going to have a chicken tandoori but accept that need to get head in non-treat land otherwise when back on carbs and wine, 'treats' will get out of hand so I need to take more control. Not sure whether I'm doing a really good job or a really crappy job so far as most of the focus in Cambridge I think is on SS and not much explanation of what to do when you are in my situation ie, BMI normal but wanting to slim down to a desired target. Still, it's all a learning experience and I'm still going in the right direction!!

Mentioned to Liz about becoming a CDC and she was really enthusiatic about it. She says that although there are a few in the area, one apparantly charge LL prices (which is incredible cheeky if you ask me) so that one's not too popular, she's got her hands full but still gets loads of referrals and needs someone to take them on and the other elderly woman who does it in the area really wants to retire soon. I said I'd think about it. I mean, for one thing, I wouldn't want to apply until I reach target weight (which at this rate may take ages), I need to settle into new job first plus I need to raise the capital for the initial packs and stuff. She was honest and said it doesn't get you much money but I told her I was quite passionate about this diet and like the idea of helping people out (I also admitted to 2 completely self-interested reasons also - that it would be easier to maintain and be v good experience on my CV). But I did explain that I wouldn't want to do more than 3 evenings a week and she said that how much you do is entirely up to you. She's going to look into it and let me know the procedure next week but as I said, I won't be thinking of doing it until the New Year probably. Oh, and she also pointed out that you can drive round to people's houses with the products which would be much better than people coming round (also a breech of contract re running businesses from home I think).

Lovin' the forum. Infact spending pretty much all day at work on it (whoops). Phone call yesterday from the YOI just asking if I'd heard anything yet re CRB form, which of course I haven't. Fingers crossed for next week or I'm gonna be mighty pissed off. The women behind me are doing my head in - all they talk about is childbirth, babies, diets, weight, food and how bad other people are. A bit worried though that have never worked really hard in any job I've had before, especially if there's the internet and I can slack off, and this will make new job really tough to start with. Still, at least it's something I actually want to do (allegedly).

76 days on diet!!

2006-10-19T10:16:00.000Z

Can't believe I've been on this diet what feels like so long now, especially as I thought I'd only be on it for a few weeks and magically be 9 stone super-quick!! That's over 1 in 5 days this year on a diet and a total of just under 228 CamDie products (just under cos of the days I skipped packs), around 300 litres of water and about £385 spent (not so good). Of those 76 days, I have only had a little bit of food on 22 of them and I was 68% of the way towards goal weight as of last weeks weigh-in - hopefully more after tonights. I have lost 34lbs in total, which works out as almost half a pound loss A DAY and my BMI has gone down by 5 points. I lost 17lbs in the first 4 weeks and 12lbs in the second 4. In the time since being on this diet I have had one interview, got a new job (but STILL no bloody start date), not touched one drop of booze, not had one nibble of bread/pasta/rice/potatoes, watched what feels like about 300 fast food meals being consumed by other people, eaten more mushrooms and celery than I had done in the previous 25 years put together, thought quite a lot about food and spent a stupid amount on eBay!! I have also smoked a LOT of draw and found a lot of willpower and determination I didn't think I had. This is the first diet I have ever been on and I intend to never go on another one again. Woo-hoo, go me!!

Week 11 weigh in tomorrow - approaching 3 months!!

2006-10-18T09:08:00.000Z

Oh, nervous about weigh in tomorrow. Had AAM on Monday but 3 shakes and a larger meal last night and although didn't have potatoes, wine or cake, still had bad things like a spray of olive oil on the griddled asparagus and wrapped the chicken in a bit of bacon with the tiniest smear of pesto and the thinnest sliver of cheese inside. Was absolutely delicious though, even if I do say so myself and don't feel ill today like I did after that Nandos. Must flush through with plenty of water today if I hope to lose that 2lbs minimum to get me into the 9s. Have 2 chicken breasts left from last night so going to be v virtuous and have only half of one tonight. Sat at desk this morning at 8.58 and cranberry bar had been consumed by 9.05 plus first one to finish last night so speed of eating has still not abated (in fairness though, my plate was about a third full without the potatoes or any salad). Read a post yesterday on forum which said someone had cut the bar into 32 pieces!!!!! 32!!!!! Mine goes in about 6 bites, how can anyone do that? I guess this is where my lask of self control comes into it but seriously. A shake for lunch and mousse for dinner methinks with my chicken - who needs carbs?? Think I'm a complete freak as I love my choc-mint shakes really thick and lumpy at work half eaten with a spoon like a soup!! Still, at least it's easier that way as don't have to worry about mixing it properly.

They have stuck me at work on a desk on my own in the corner as I'm leaving soon so nobody to talk to :( Have to listen to the women behind me and they are doing my head in - I'M the one on a diet and they talk constantly about other people's weights and how much they weigh etc. They are also very judgemental. Even I find it boring. Emailed Ben and asked him if I go on about diet constantly and he said no (actually he said I'm great and not like them at all and all sorts of nice things. Maybe he fancies me. Surely nobody actually fancies me now??). Phew. Graham's mum mentioned something about getting me a Diet Doctors book and I really hope she doesn't mean for Christmas, not that I'm ungrateful but I dont want anything to do with diets by Christmas. I don't want to be defined by being on a diet - this was my greatest fear when I went on it. This is why I like the forum so much as it allows me to discuss the diet as much as I want with similar minded people. I shouldn't be mean though as she sent me the sweetest message thanking us for going round and cooking on her birthday. General feelings at the mo - feel warm and fuzzy and contented in the evenings sitting around in our lovely place (Darren's in London and I cleaned up the other day), liking this time of year when the season's changing and being v restrained on eBay and money in general but got o/draft extension so have a bit of leeway with the account now, which makes me feel much better. Still not happy at all with figure though and still feeling bloated (no sign of period). Caught a look at myself in the window the other night and am starting to resemble that orange with matchsticks in it - I have no discernible curves or figure on my torso even though my legs and arms are OK. Arrgggh GOD. Don't think I'll EVER be happy with how I look. Also put on size 14 trousers this morning that I haven't worn for ages and they aren't hanging off me like my other ones. Was it the meal last night??

Weekend blah, blah, blah...

2006-10-16T09:39:00.000Z

Brilliant weekend again which was cool and managed to stick to AAM and all 3 packs per day so back into the swing of it again. The only slight exception was yesterday when the five of us went out for Sunday lunch as I thought that would be a really nice idea. Planned to order a steak and mushrooms and not eat the chips but got to the bar to buy a bottle of wine for everyone plus a mineral water for me and my card still won't work as no money in account so was v embarrased and Ken had to buy it, when he had come down to visit us!! Obviously couldn't order anything then either and refused to let Helen buy my lunch so everyone else ordered and I didn't have anything. Which before would have made me cry (and I was a bit pissed off at first) but as I pointed out, I've been watching people eat for the last 10 weeks so it really didn't make much difference. Certainly a bit different to my attitude in week one when Graham and Darren ate that KFC!! I got a seperate bowl and everyone donated some meat to my cause!! I had 2 lumps of steak courtesy of Ken and Darren (nowhere near as nice as I thought it'd be but then I like mine practically raw and Darren has his, yuk, well done), loads of roast beef from Helen, who still left almost all of the rest of the meat, and some chicken from Graham's roast (yum, yum). And was STUFFED!! So, thanks to lovely, generous friends, managed to go for 'a meal' out and not spend anything. But the plates at the pub are ridiculously full of food (naff Hungry Horse type place) so don't feel guilty as most people had issues finishing theirs anyway - why do they serve such massive portions? I still wouldn't have had any problems finishing a full plate of steak and chips off a few weeks ago there though which makes me feel slightly gross now. Puddings did look good..... Glad didn't go to meal on Saturday as Graham regailed me with tales of the 3 courses he ate and it all sounded really, really good (calamari, pizza and cheesecake) and the smell on his jacket from Prezzo was enough to send me into convulsions of desire for all sorts of evil food. Have offered to cook for his mum though on her actual birthday on Tuesday as felt sorry for her just sitting in and cooking for his dad so don't know what am going to do that I can eat as well. Chicken probably!! Well, so long as I don't have potatoes, should stay in ketosis. Am worried have changed diet from Cambridge into a Cambridge/Atkins hybrid. Still, it's reassuring that the red meat I had this weekend really wasn't all that, although I'm not sure The Farmhouse is really the best place to judge gourmet cuisine!! Other things I did were go to the pub and have a fab time on Friday (slightly stoned so in v chatty, jovial mood and didn't talk about diet once), watched an obscene amount of films plus bad serial killer documentary, cooked everyone bacon sarnies, got really monged until I ran out of draw, went shopping and got lovely earrings from Graham and a pashmina from Helen (oh, I hate having no money) and generally chatted lots and didn't think about food at all. However, did have 9 people in flat on Friday night after pub and cut tetra out of packet to eat discretely in manner of ice-cream while everyone else had a bottle of champagne (betweeen them, not each!!). Unfortunately though, had left it in there for hours and it was completely solid so came out as a hard square brick and kept getting weird looks and had to keep explaining to people that I don't know very well what it was and why I was chipping away at it with a knife desperately attempting to get in. Got a bit fed up at this stage as it instigated discussions of great length about the CamDie and the weirdarse stuff I eat. Did explain that most things I 'eat' come out of a glass or jug with a spoon but appreciate people must have thought it was a bit weird to be eating a dark brown solid square lump. And everyone was watching me for the whole hour or whatever it took me to eat it. So, note to self, don't leave tetras in the freezer for too long and eat them alone.

Don't understand strange diet

2006-10-13T09:45:00.000Z

Well after all of last weeks messing around with SS, AAM, missing packs (slapped wrist from CDM about that) and those 2 meals I went for, plus the added puffy and fat feeling, I was certainly not expecting to lose anything, let alone 3lbs!! Infact I find it hard to believe as I was examining my stomach last night and I looked and felt really bloated yesterday, also I am covered in spots on my chin. A top that I thought looked really nice in the shops last weekend didn't look flattering at all anymore, or maybe I was just having an insecure day. Maybe her scales are dodgy - I bet if I went to Tesco, their scales would say I'm still near 11 stone!! Regardless, only 2 MORE POUNDS to go and I will be in the 9s YIPEEE!!!! Maybe it was all that water on Wednesday? Anyway, I'm not going to beat myself up again now about going to restaurants so long as I make the right choices. Not that that means I'm going to give myself license to go out for a meal every week but at least I know I am moving into a different stage of this journey and am now having to consider life beyond milkshakes and bars but that I CAN keep it under control and still enjoy a meal out. She didn't have any toffee bars so had to have cranberry and chocolate, picked up loads of tetras to freeze too. Am going to follow AAM strictly this week and not mess around. The grilled chicken I had last night again with celery sticks was really good so I'm quite happy with that. As far as I'm concerned, after thinking about my finances over the last couple of days, the sooner I can reduce the cost of this diet, the better. Initially I thought it would save me money as nothing spent on food or drink but I never spent very much on food anyway as I had a free lunch and just picked up cheap basics at the supermarket, and I was never spending that much on going to the pub either, so CamDie (and new clothes) are most definitely responsible for current dire bank situation. Nevermind, it's worth it. So long as I can try and rein in some control on the overdraft over the next few weeks. More arguing with Graham over him not having a job and not being able to share use of the car when I go to my new job. He has a temping assignment starting Monday but it's a bit of a nightmare to get to on public transport. I hope he get something in central Ipswich or even in Woodbridge soon then we can stop arguing :( Still, we should all have a nice and chilled weekend as people are down to visit hurrah!!

So, as it stands currently, my losses are:

Started Fri 04/08 - weight 12 st 7, BMI 29.1(5'5")/28.2(5'6") - MUST go and get measured somewhere!!
Week 1 (SS) - 12 st 3, loss of 4lbs, BMI 28.5/27.6
Week 2 (SS) - 11 st 10, loss of 7lbs, 11lb loss total, BMI 27.3/26.5
Week 3 (SS) - 11 st 6, loss of 4lbs, 15lb loss total, BMI 26.6/25.8
Week 4 (SS) - 11 st 4, loss of 2lbs, 17lb loss total, BMI 26.3/25.5
Week 5 (AAM) - 11 st, loss of 4lbs, 21lb loss total, BMI 25.6/24.9
Week 6 (SS) - 10 st 12, loss of 2lbs, 23lb loss total, BMI 25.3/24.5
Week 7 (SS) - 10 st 9, loss of 3lbs, 26lb loss total, BMI 24.8/24
Week 8 (SS) - 10 st 6, loss of 3lbs, 29lb loss total, BMI 24.3/23.6
Week 9 (SS) - 10 st 4, loss of 2lbs, 31lb loss total, BMI 24/23.2
Week 10 (AAM/SS/meals/anything!!) - 10 st 1, loss of 3lbs, 34lb loss total, BMI 23.5/22.8

One pound off 2 and a half stone gone (gone where, where does it actually go??). I can't believe I've got to this stage, I was never really sure if I could do it. I think at the back of my mind I told myself I proabably wouldn't, just in case I failed. If I can do this, anyone can.

I am the God of ketosis!!

2006-10-12T09:22:00.000Z

Tested my wee this morning (although I was a bit scared to after Nandos pig out on Tuesday) and still perfectly in ketosis yay!! Guess it's because I had protein and veg and no carbs. This ketosis thing is great. Oh, but felt terrible yesterday though. Don't know if it was the meal, eating only 2 packs on Tuesday to try and compensate for it or not having as much water usual as I was in Hainult or a combination of these things but I had a headache, had the shakes really bad and felt weak and awful, especially when I stood up. Maybe 'cos I've spent the last few days messing around with this diet and affected my blood sugar levels? Regardless, I drank over 6 litres of water yesterday to try and flush the Nandos evil out of my system and had all 3 shakes and my AAM, just like I said I would, although think I'm overestimating the amount of chicken I can have (no scales - must get some). Tried a bit of tikka powder on the chicken as it didn't have sugar or salt in it and it was GOOD, with loads of little celery, crudite type sticks (proably over 2 spoons worth but come on, it's celery). Massive row with Graham last night though which wasn't quite so good but seemed sorted by the end of the night (well as sorted as it ever will be 'cos I became too stressed to argue anymore so I smoked a joint and watched Jam with him instead). Interested to see weigh in results tonight, puffiness round my fingers went yesterday but seems to be back this morning - water retention?? I will update when I'm back from Liz's. Oh, and I am officially skint. I went to pay for the petrol last night and couldn't as my card didn't work and had to sheepishly ask Graham to lend me the money after telling him to f**k off mid-row. Must stop spending on eBay (2 new tops this morning so enough to go on now really) and take control of my money. It stresses me out big time and that I don't need.

Oh dear. It's all gone a bit awry.

2006-10-11T08:41:00.000Z

Hmmm, this week everything's gone a bit wrong with the diet. I have to eat humble pie now as I've always bigged myself up for being so self-disciplined and not having cheated. Apart from that chicken leg and celery in week 7, I hadn't had anything other than the strict AAM stuff, shakes, bars, soups, mousses, water, coke/dr pepper zero and Marigold (both of the latter I was told are OK by Liz although I have heard conflicting information on this). Then I went for that chicken tandoori in week 9, which wasn't that bad as I went straight back to the diet and still lost 2lbs last week. From last Thursday however, I SS'd on Friday (although had a couple of bites of chicken mum forced me to eat), had just 2 diet packs and then a meal out on Saturday for mum's birthday, SS'd on Sunday, did AAM on Monday (but added way too much Marigold by mistake and it was really, really salty) and yesterday, had just 2 diet packs again and went out with Graham for our 6th anniversary. I was in Essex all day to train my replacement at work and between 8.15am and 6.30pm only had a bar as I was busy, and hardly any water, which made me feel rubbish and headachy. Got home and had a shake but then we decided to go to the cinema and Nandos. We ordered a platter to share and had half a chicken each - I had mine with green salad and Graham had the chips, plus I had a mineral water. Thing is though, I swear I could taste lemon in the hot sauce on the chicken. I know it's still not that bad and I'm sticking to protein and veg but the meat I had was way in excess of the 50g I'm meant to have and was probably covered in fat and salt. I get the sneaking suspicion that now I'm a bit happier with the way I look and my target is in sight, I am sabotaging the diet, telling myself I can relax a bit more. Added to that, I have spots and feel bloated so can only assume TOTM on top of it (though silver lining and all - it will be 5 periods in 5 months for the first time EVER if I'm on next week). The ring I wear on my middle finger was starting to get lose a few days ago, for the first time in ages, and now it's really tight again. I'm scared to test for ketosis as I've been lucky to be in it wihout fail from the start of the diet and worried I knocked myself out of it last night. I wonder whether I should up my target weight but then I will only disappoint myself for not getting down to 9 stone and I know I will only be doing it to shorten the length of my diet, although strangely I also don't want to come off the diet either and go into maintenance. Thing is, it will take ages at this rate so I must get strict again and worry about the future when it comes. I have been invited out for another meal this weekend for Graham's mum's birthday but I have a good excuse to get out of that as Ken is coming to visit, plus they are going to a pizza/pasta place which truely will test my sanity, so won't be going. I wouldn't even mind that much - after all, my BMI is in the healthy range (assuming I haven't put weight ON this week), I'm in a size 12, I am still off the booze and still making reasonably sensible choices - but it's just the money. It's not really worth £34 per week if I'm going to cheat. My overdraft has been tested to it's limits and beyond with this diet. So, today I am going to drink tonnes of water, have 2 shakes and a mousse and probably my AAM this evening as I have to eat the celery/mushroooms and chicken in the fridge (I shall turn into a chicken at this rate) without Marigold. Then weigh in tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to, and a new start from Friday, following only my strict AAM stuff. Oh, and another thing that bothers me is the same thing I said after the tandoori - that I was expecting to be stuffed after a few bites of chicken and have to leave loads of it but I polished off half a chicken with ease and then even picked some bits off Graham's chicken, effectively meaning I had MORE than him (though he ate a disgusting amount of chips which were blatantly meant to be shared!!). Why can't I control my greed?

Piccie of me at 10 stone 4lbs

2006-10-09T13:01:00.000Z

Well here is a piccie of me at the restaurant on Saturday (my bottle of fizzy water is visible on the right!!). You can't see the rest of me yet - I am saving a full body pic for when I have lost the last 19lbs. I know I look slim in this picture (hurrah) but mum's just emailed some full length ones as well and I still have a bigger waist/tummy area than I want despite Trinny and Susannah inspired methods of visual illusion. It's not the best picture in the world as I look like I'm about to say something (plus big nose which I can't do anything about) but at least I have a defined chin now and much skinnier arms plus it's a massive step that I'm even prepared to put any picture of me on display!! I need to put some before pictures on now really. That won't be quite so fun.

Oh and another thing....

2006-10-09T10:29:00.000Z

Tried a frozen chocolate tetra at the weekend (frozen overnight and then left out for a few minutes to soften). Once I'd finally cut it out of the box, it was absolutely GORGEOUS. A definite recommendation to any CamDiers out there ;)

Another weekend been and gone

2006-10-09T09:54:00.000Z

So, I was supposed to start AAM on Friday but I knew that I had to go to the restaurant on Saturday evening with mum and her boyfriend (who didn't recognise me when we went in to meet him!!) so had just shakes on Friday and Sunday with plenty of water, plus I was good at the restaurant so hopefully won't be too bad. Had a smoked salmon terrine for starter with rocket and dill sauce. Didn't like the sauce anyway so that was good, there was no lemon on it (I think) and gave hunk of freshly baked bread to mum (with difficulty, she had to wrestle it from me) so mostly just a block of salmon with a bit of lettuce stuff. Resisted bread rolls. Then had lots of pan fried scallops and (4) mussels with a leaf salad which allegedly had a (vierne??) sauce on but I couldn't see any, washed down with sparkling water. They were yummy. And expensive. Then had an expresso. And it was all fine, I didn't feel deprived at all. I would have probably ordered the chicken with cheese and chive mash before but it's nice to have fish for a change. Tried some of mum's sea bass and a tiny lump of Ernie's lamb and were both delicious but was so pleased with my self-control. Puddings looked well nice but even if I had given into one, which I don't think I would have, I was stuffed anyway. Infact, the only time I was really naughty was when I didn't have my third pack as I couldn't face it when I got back to mum's. Was still in ketosis when I got home last night and yet again, don't feel guilty about it as I know my BMI is under 25 so I am going to have to start getting used to food and making healthy choices soon. Mind you, I do sometimes worry that I'm making subconscious attempts to sabotage the end of my diet so it takes longer for me to get out of diet mode and enter the real, scary world of maintenance. I still have those 19lbs to go after all and I was doing everything perfectly until last weekend. Mum really doesn't want me to lose anymore which is silly really as she was slimmer than this when she was my age. She thinks I'd be good as a CDC too, plus she says if I do become one, she might do the diet herself, for cut prices of course!! She bought me some tops again bless her, and it was her birthday!! I was a bit over-optimistic and bought some more cheap size 10 t-shirts but going to have to swap these for size 12s as they are way too tight (that size 10 I can get into is clearly a mutant size 10 that doesn't match any other known clothes sizes. What if it's a size 16 with the wrong label on it and I have been deluding myself??). Must be more patient. Overall though, weekend OK. Bit boring but OK.

Can't seem to shake off hunger though. Have been really hungry over the last couple of weeks. Probably psychological hunger but doesn't feel like it. Especially round about this time (11am) when I had my last shake at about half eight and want to stuff bar down my face. If I'm staying late at work tonight though, better hold out as long as I can for 'lunch'. Chicken with mushrooms tonight, yum. 6 year anniversary tomorrow - surely I can't possibly justify going out for another meal. Can I? Oh no, I hope this isn't the slipperly slope towards regain and/or never getting those last pounds off.

Resolution for this week - to not buy anything off eBay at all. Getting thinner is exciting but costing me a fortune in clothes.

Week 9 results

2006-10-06T12:42:00.000Z

A 2lb loss last night. Was hoping for 3lbs minimum but guess I can't complain as I did have that chicken tandoori I shouldn't have had. Wee stick a bit dark but that was becuase I was so busy on my day off work I didn't have my usual intake of water. Down to 10 stone 4lbs and getting really impatient to get into the 9s now but I'm conscious that although I feel in my mind like I'm getting towards the end of my diet and 'relaxing' a bit more, there is a great danger of complacency now as I still have 19lbs to go. Must stay focussed. Discussed this whole BMI and SSing stuff with Liz - her opinion (contrary to the official CamDie manifesto) is that as my weight loss is slow, she wouldn't have a problem with me staying on SS at all even though my BMI is now either 24 (if I'm 5'5") or 23.2 (if I'm 5'6"). However, as it is AAM week anyway, she suggested maybe I do that, see what my loss is and then do another week of it before we decide whether I should stay on AAM or go up to 790. Going for a meal for my mum's birthday tomorrow so much self-control will have to be exercised. I'm driving for one so can 'get out' of drinking but will just have to order a meal without carbs. Pretty confident I can do it, especially after I was so good at the Indian. So long as I just have the AAM stuff the rest of the week, it should be OK but I hope I'm in the 9s by week 11 weigh in on the 19th. That weekend in London seeing friends we haven't seen since I've been dieting should keep me motivated.

Got my hair done. Wasn't quite what I envisaged when I said I wanted blonde hair. Rather than being actual blonde, it's got highlights of blonde in the brown (think Louise in Hollyoaks) which actually looks quite fab, although disturbingly it is now almost identical to my mum's hair. It's got funky layers in it too now. Takes a bit of getting used to although think everyone likes it (other than Darren - poos to him). Will have to get some piccies posted on this blog. One good thing and one bad thing was said to me at the hairdressers. First the good - I was talking about the diet and explaining to the girl that I wanted a new look cos I have lost 3 stone (OK that was a complete lie but I wanted to look more impressive!!!). She asked how much more I wanted to lose and I said I wanted to get down to a size 10. Now, I don't know if she was just being sweet but she said I looked like a size 10 already to her yay!!! But then the bad thing - the woman having her hair done next to me announced that she had done the CamDie years ago and that you just put all the weight back on plus more. Silly woman, she made me feel really bad just when I was getting all positive about myself. Ho-hum.

Whoops, I had chicken tandoori

2006-10-03T09:12:00.000Z

Fab weekend in Cornwall but back to work today. STILL no booze and managed to resist every single Burger King, nasty townie fried chicken place and cafe in Lands End going (not difficult admittedly). But the sit down Indian meal in Truro was too much. I had a perrier in my wine glass but had to order something so was going to order a chicken tikka starter but then changed my mind to a main course chicken tandoori which I had with a spoonful of salad and onion, NO rice and NO naan bread. Conclusions - well, I don't actually feel that bad about it. I think that I was in a situation where I really, really wanted to eat with everyone because I was on holiday and I made an 'adult' decision to pick the best option on the menu instead of just going 'oh well, I'm going to break it now, give me a bottle of white, a chicken madras, a boiled rice and a garlic naan. And a sorbet in an orange'. Also, now my BMI is under 25, I don't really think I'm supposed to be SSing anymore so I probably should be eating a bit anyway. And I'm still in ketosis, or at least I was when I tested yesterday and I had the chicken on Saturday night. But the weird thing was I thought I was going to be full after a couple of bites and I did have to stop halfway through but then I think the food monster took over and I devoured the rest with astonishing speed, picking every single bit of chicken off the bones, so he's still there and hasn't been magic-ed away in the last 2 months (I call him Greedor). It also made me hungry for the rest of weekend. I am interested to see whether it has made any difference to this week's weight loss - it seems I am now losing at a rate of about 3lbs a week, which means in the next 2 weeks, I should go down to 10 stone, and then I can work my way down the 9s woo-hoo. I guess I really should start introducing food at some point soon though. I'm happy to SS, especially as it's cheaper than buying packs and food, but a guy on the forum reckons it is not recommended to stay on the shakes and bars when your BMI is normal and technically you're not supposed to go on it at all unless your BMI is 30 - I broke both these rules and Liz never said anything. Can I be sensible about food though? I'm not sure. I think I can make sensible choices like I did this weekend sometimes but whether I can keep it up is another matter or when I want to treat myself, will I go crazy? Only the next few weeks will tell I suppose. But I'm going to keep SSing until this Friday when it is AAM anyway and then discuss the next step with Liz ie. whether to go back to SS, continue with AAM or go up to 790.

Darren took his camera this weekend - he never takes pictures of me anyway when he can take 100s of himself and Richard but I did manage to get into a couple by mistake. I'm still disappointed with the way I look. One is taken from the back and my shoulders and back are really huge and I don't really look that different I think (although Richard said I look like a completely different person). In another I'm sitting cross legged and look like I have huge thighs. Why oh why can't anyone take a nice picture of me?? I guess losing weight can't change your basic features though which I think is the problem. It is also can't change large bone structures so I think I'm going to have to just accept a wide back, which is rubbish. Funny, you never usually see what you look like from the back. Oh, photos - you have the power to destroy any shred of self-confidence I may have slowly built up inside me. I honestly wish I wasn't in ANY photos that exist of me as I don't like any of them, and I don't say that to fish for compliments, they really do genuinely upset me and I'm always faintly suprised I'm not a stunning beauty rather than the wreck I usually look like. I want studio photos when I'm 9 stone but I could never afford them :( I wonder all the time what people see when they look at me.

I never thought I'd reach week 8!!

2006-09-29T08:31:00.000Z

Wow!! 8 weeks on this diet. That's willpower for you. At weigh-in last night I lost another 3lbs which was a little suprising as I felt I'd lost more this week but perfectly happy with that anyway. Inches have gone down again. Didn't chat long to Liz and was late anyway as I was having a tyre replaced (finally) but picked up my chocolate mint packets and toffee bars and no other flavours (choc mint rules). Worried I'm not having enough variety and remember thinking that people who did this diet on one flavour were mad but so long as I'm not eating any real food, it doesn't matter I suppose. A plate of chips was plonked down in front of me at pub quiz last night but they didn't look that appetising anyway - now if it was a plate of spaghetti or a prawn mayo sandwich, that would have been a different story. Have managed to get over my distaste at psyllium husks by having them in a more diluted milkshake, blended to f**k in my blender, so they don't turn it to wallpaper paste - this has the added, beneficial effect of making it about 20 times more filling, plus I noticed that they have started to get things moving so I'm going to bear with them for now. Liz reckons I carry myself differently and look more confident now which may be true. Another eBay top this morning which looks quite fab and generally everything's great!! I have a positive mental attitude today (for a vast change). And going to Cornwall tomorrow for the weekend yay. Just got to not be tempted by booze and the no doubt large quantities of fast food that will be consumed by the three guys I'm spending it with. I shall just take my tin and be happy with that.

Oh and that girl behind me had roast chicken the other night so her CamDie lasted a long time. This is precisely the attitude that made me dislike dieters and dieting previously but now I realise they're not all so lame and there are plenty of people like me, really determined and trying really hard to lose weight (I know some people might think that's really mean to say as not everyone finds this diet so easy but to eat a roast on the day you started the diet is just pathetic). I shall probably have to eat my words when I've put all the weight back on again in a years time haha!!

Quite hopeful about week 8

2006-09-28T09:10:00.000Z

Right, I was getting too introspective and miserable so I took the advantage of having the flat to myself last night and got the full length mirror from Darren's room and had a massive clear out/dressing-up session!! I have put about 80% of my clothes in a pile for charity, sorted out some stuff to give mum/friends, some stuff to put on eBay (like I'll ever get around to doing that) and got myself into some old clothes and generally kept looking at myself in an indulgent manner. Also did lots of cleaning and tidying and feel a lot better. Still more office clothes to get rid of but I will need them until I leave for the YOI so will hang onto them for the next few weeks although they are starting to look ridiculous. Now I have the full length mirror in my room, I can see what Liz meant - I look like I've borrowed a fat person's clothes!! I know it's going to cost a bit to replace all the stuff but I am really excited about it. Most of the stuff was old and tatty as well and some of it was stuff that was too small anyway, or fitted me at one point, that has got sadly streched and shapeless over the years (that made me feel a bit sad and delusional). I have decided clothes sizes don't make any sense so I'm not going to get too hung up on them. It just doesn't make sense to me how some stuff I have is a 14 and is just the right size and that t-shirt is a 10 and is just the right size as well!! I am looking forward to a new image and a new me - it's sooo exciting!!!! Hairdresser cancelled so can't go blonde until next week now but some observant readers may notice I said I was only going to go blonde when I reached 10 stone so I already broke that promise anyway.

Went for a long drive last night in Graham's company car which he borrowed to go to Essex today. It is his last day at work tomorrow before he has a week off and trys to find an accounts assistant job or something. We intended to just take it for a spin but what with all the good CDs we took along (and my tin of gear), he somehow managed to take it out into the countryside for over an hour and a total of 76 miles!! We thought we spotted a couple of UFOs but not sure - I love living in the country!! Hope he doesn't get in trouble though for taking the rental car out for an incredibly long, non-work related drive.

2 month weigh in tonight and feeling quite hopeful. Definitely starting to see the difference now although am coming to the conclusion that even if I reach the golden 9 stone, I am seriously going to need to start toning up the flab on my tummy and upper thighs and arms. Funny - I never really noticed the flab before even though there was more of it!! I think it's because I am appraising my body more honestly now and I can see some bits I don't mind so much so can more readily accept the bad bits. Think this diet will be a piece of piss compared to an exercise regime though, that's really going to kill me, the unfittest person I know.

Ooh, the woman behind me who I was being smug at about the diet has now gone on it again. Yay, I'm an inspiration lol!!

Bit better now

2006-09-26T19:35:00.000Z

Hmm, looked at photos again and decided maybe they aren't that bad - one I am unfortunately standing so there is a roll of fat and one I just look fed up and tired in. Another one's not so bad and I definitely look thinner but I definitely need to grow out this rubbish fringe. Also spent the evening trying on some old stuff in my wardrobe and putting on new things and matching them all up and got v excited at some of the rather fab outfits I managed to concoct with the limited stuff I've bought recently. Also squeezed into that size 10 t-shirt I bought in London but that doesn't count as it's a massive size 10. Also doesn't make much sense when I couldn't do up a size 14 ball gown I bought in Leicester in a panic for a ball without trying it on and could never do up, even with the added assistance of Graham and Helen holding my boobs in (the humiliation - I hope I never have to do something like that again). Also added husk powder to mousse tonight (3 choc mint packs today!!) and didn't notice it although didn't put in a dessert spoon so don't know if it will have the desired effect!! Darren and Graham both taking the whole week off next week while I'm comatose at work so that's pissed me off a bit though. They are even talking about going abroad, without me of course (men, grrrr). Should be going to Cornwall this weekend, wonder what Richard will say?? Hopefully more compliments - bring 'em on!!! Wish I could stop feeling so jittery and anxious though. Right, off to do some hoovering and maybe roll a bifta.....

Bless the lovely people on minimims!!

2006-09-26T15:37:00.000Z

Kept looking at photos mum emailed me and got really miserable. Think I look terrible (ie. no waist, roll of flab clearly visible, looked like a man in one of them!!) so went on the forum to moan and within a few minutes loads of people had put lovely, supportive messages. Got all emotional and went to have a little cry in the loo but OK now. I think when I have just lost that bit more and got much more in my wardrobe to play around with (gonna have to start sorting out the old stuff soon really), might be a bit happier with the way I look. I hope so otherwise it's all going to be for nothing other than making me healthier which, as someone pointed out, really is the point of it all. I mean, the rest is just vanity. It's just that I have spent so long looking crap and I want to still look good while I'm 26. A skirt I got off ebay this morning is fab though and much more the kind of thing I want to wear so I'm going to have to be brutal and throw out the stuff that doesn't suit me. I mean, I've just got some 3/4 length jeans from eBay which I'm not sure weren't a waste of money as they probably don't really look good on anyone. Speaking of waste of money, tried my psyllium husks, which turned up in a HUGE tub yesterday, and they are like drinking glue and resemble various bodily fluids. Revolting. Tried some (too much I think) initially in some bouillon and that went down the sink but wasn't too bad in my shake later although I hardly put any in. Really can't see myself adding this every day. Might see if anyone wants them for a fiver as I'd hate them to go to waste, and go and buy the capsules from Holland and Barrett. Bit disappointing as they seemed so highly recommended but nevermind, we live and learn.

The girl behind me at work asked me if I was on the Cambridge Diet today when I was talking about how much I love the chocolate mint milkshakes. As if I've been speaking about anything else for the last 7 1/2 weeks!!!! She said she keeps meaning to get back on it. I said 'well if you really want it, it's not that difficult' and I'm worried I sound like a smug arsehole. Hope she didn't take too much offence. Thing is, this sounds terrible, but she was one person who 'inspired' me to go on it. She was always going on about being on a diet on Mondays and then eating MacDonalds by Tuesday and nobody takes her seriously as she keeps saying she's dieting then goes out eating all the time and always has chips from the canteen. I had been putting a diet off for ages and then looked at her and decided I wasn't going to be like that and was just going to do something about my weight and stick to it.

Fed up at work. Feel jittery (as I have been since the start of this diet) and cold and tired. Got a sore throat though so might have been too much smoking over the last couple of days. Been a reflective day where I'm thinking a lot about how I set myself stupidly high and unattainable targets and constantly compare myself to everyone else which has always made me unhappy. It's not something I can just do anything about though as it's a learned habit. Just knowing you do these things doesn't stop you doing them. I think I just need to start my new job. Being on this diet but not having much else going on in my life means I'm becoming a bit obsessed with it. Instead of constantly thinking about food, I'm now constantly going on eBay looking for new clothes and permanently checking the forum. I suppose it's more constructive but at the end of the day, it's just another obsessive behaviour and I need to relax more, which is silly really as I have been chilling out for the last few evenings. Mayeb I'm incapable of relaxing?? No wonder I smoke so much weed!!

Weird weekend

2006-09-25T10:34:00.000Z

Went back to mums this weekend and was interested to see what her reaction would be. She was very sweet and said I looked really good and I've done very well. Mum's are great. She also said she reckoned I don't need to lose anymore, she gets worried 'cos she thinks I'm going to become anorexic or something (as if?!!!). But she did keep kind of hinting that she didn't think it was a particularly healthy way to lose weight. My argument is it's not particularly healthy to be overweight either but I think she'll be happier when I'm not on SS. My blood pressure was really high when she took it on Friday which worried me a bit but it was OK by Sunday, probably after our stroll by the river. I have promised to go and visit again in 2 weeks time for her birthday and go for a posh meal with her and her boyfriend. I will be on AAM then so not too bad, I will treat myself to some fish or chicken with veg and no carbs which will be way more than the 50g or whatever it is but nevermind. More compliments hurrah!! 2 people who I have met briefly before said they didn't recognise me at all, Jamie was a sweetie and said I looked really good but Theresa didn't even notice at first (think she was a bit stoned though)!! Had a bit of a crap night with them in Wycombe though which included T throwing up down the side of my car and me getting stoppped by the police for driving into some car park where they were doing something (looking for terrorist evidence in High Wycombe possibly??). They were OK and just asked me to move on which is just as well as Jamie had a joint in his hand which they didn't spot. They ended up arguing as usual so really don't know whether to bother meeting up with them next time. They are great and I love them (when they are sober!!) but they bring out strange, perverted people when I want to meet up with them on my own and I don't want to get involved in their sordid personal lives. It's a tricky one.

Went shopping and bought some new stuff including a size 12 jumper which is a bit tight over my boobs. I really don't understand how I can start off as an, admittedly big, size 16, lose 2 stone and then still struggle to fit into a size 12 but I guess that's why I want to lose one and a half more. A girl in the pub was saying she is the same height as me but is 10 stone 5lbs, only 4lbs less than me, but looks way skinner than me I reckon. Unless I just can't tell how much weight I've lost. I do feel just the same or at least definitely on my tummy and I still think I have chunky shoulders and a massive back. She carried her weight on her bum and hips she said. Seems to me that makes you look slimmer as you are usually only concentrating on people's top halves when you are speaking to them and my top half is much bigger!! Mum took a couple of photos and I was a bit disappointed. I was expecting to see a completely different person but I just looked like me, a little bit slimmer, still no waist and still the same face :( Maybe I'll feel differently on Thursday after my hair cut and colour and if someone takes a photo when I'm not looking rubbish and haven't spent the previous night getting stressed out with rubbish friends and getting caned!!

The evil fish still lives on. He is not getting any friends.

Week 7 results

2006-09-21T18:25:00.000Z

Woo-hoo, another 3lbs down to 10 stone 9. Was thinking it was going to be less weight loss (bastard Tesco machine said yesterday I was 11 stone - I really should stop going to Tesco) and even though it's not a huge amount, with time of the month things considered, I'm perfectly happy with that result. 2lbs off a 2 stone loss now and I've lost 26lbs in total - over half way to that 50lbs. Inch loss good too - I am now under 34" on the waist and under 39" on the bust. Bought some tetra briks which I haven't actually tried yet - gonna have one tonight for dinner. Still don't think I'm a size 12 though which Liz was really suprised at as she said my waist is slimmer than hers now and she wears a 12. Still wearing my size 14 trousers today and thought they still looked like I was the right size for them but Liz said they looked a bit ridiculous and baggy from the back and to take a photo if I don't believe her!! But I don't know, I only notice the loss from my face really, I think I need to get a full length mirror at home. The only things that I notice are stupidly big for me really are my size 16 jeans which were a generous cut in the first place and now fall down. Maybe I should stop putting bids on size 14 clothes on eBay now though.

Job messed up. CRB form hasn't gone through yet so won't be starting there for at least another month. Mostly this is rubbish - I really wanted to start plus the free gym was a bonus I ws looking forward to (well, not really looking forward to it but just hoping to get started). However, I will probably be quite near target then so at least that's good.

Mr Orange is sadly deceased :( That just leaves Jabba and I'm not getting anymore. He'll probably be dead within a week anyway.

Almost finished week 7

2006-09-19T10:14:00.000Z

Time has flown by so quickly on this diet and I can't believe I've been on for almost 2 months. Hopefully I will be target and completed all the maintenance in time to be the new me for the christmas and the new year (lots of new clothes for christmas pressies I hope)! Planning to do maintenance exactly to the book as after all, there is no point in losing it all to put it all back on again in a couple of weeks. Also flirting with the idea of becoming a CDC when down to 9 stone but will have to check it all out and see how much time I will have to devote to it.

No word on new job yet, might give them a call as was hoping to leave here on Wednesday. Booked Thursday and Friday off to get a few bits to wear as nothing suitable for job plus going to get hair done blonde on the 28th for only £62 which, with a free haircut as well as it's model day, is a pretty good bargain I reckon. I just hope and pray it comes out OK and not in chunky browish and blonde streaks in chavvy style. I have emphasised that I want a natural look. Bought new size 12 top yesterday but still a bit tight especially on waistband so not quite there yet but it did look very flattering. Can't stop looking in the mirrror, I think I'm becoming really vain!! Not very pleased about handfuls of fat I can still grab on my tummy though. Ah well, not that long now really, even if it's all of October and November, I can hack it. Becoming thin is going to be soooo amazingly good, I can't wait!! Also, have got er, lady things. Which is good for two reasons 1) could explain small weight loss last week and 2) 4 periods in as many months - hormones must be sorting themselves out. Hurrah!!

My weekend

2006-09-17T18:58:00.000Z

Well I was still panicking about the diabetes thing Liz had said so I went to the chemist on Saturday, bought some ketostix and also got a free blood test which showed my blood level at 4.8, which is a little on the low side of normal. As I have no symptoms, they said I am almost certainly not diabetic. So that's a huge weight off my mind. Tempted to be very angry at Liz but more relief felt than anything. The ketostix also have showed over the last couple of days at the lowest readings!! So, all that worrying for nothing. I texted her to let her know but she never replied. I will also tell her now that I am not going to come off ss until I have been on it 4 weeks as there is no medical cause to do so and I'm fed up of her constantly trying to push me onto 790 for no good reason. I want to do this properly and by the book and as I haven't cheated or struggled too much, you would have thought she'd be happy for me to remain on it. Just hope I lose more on Thursday, fingers crossed down to 10 and a half for when I go and see mum. Think possibly time of the month might have something to do with it though my hormones are never that predictable!!

Has been a very food oriented weekend. Went to a party on Saturday with free booze and a buffet. For the first time EVER on this diet I was a bit naughty and had 3 small sticks of celery, a chicken leg minus skin and one cocktail sausage on a stick. Feel a bit bad about that now but won't do it again, at least no carbs and am still in ketosis. Graham, his sister and parents went to a restaurant I have wanted to go to for ages (but have never been) later :( Apparantly it's as nice as the menu and prices suggest. Then today we went out with his folks again and nobody told me why we were going to Oulton Broad so I thought it was for a walk or something but no, it was for a pub lunch. I sat and ate my toffee bar while everyone else had bacon and cheese baguettes and chips. It wasn't really that big a deal but it would have been nice to know that's what the plan was and to have given me the choice of going or not. Then I cooked spag bol and felt a bit put out when it didn't all get eaten as I would have loved to have some but no, generally I think I did well this weekend despite buffet which really, apart from the sausage, was just stuff I'd have on AAM anyway.

Fish have all got horrible diseases now. One has whitespot, one has finrot and the new, small one died this morning as he had got his tail stuck in the filter pipe and couldn't move. What a bummer. Treating the whitespot first but have to wait a whole week then to treat the fin rot and don't think Mr Orange is gonna last out until then. Toilet problems reached a pinnacle this weekend (nice) when I thought I was going to do myself an injury last night on the loo. Those pysllium husks I ordered off the internet better hurry up.

Best part of the weekend though were the compliments I received. Seems now that I must look quite different as everyone is saying something. One person said she had to look twice at me as she almost didn't recognise me, one of Graham's friends kept staring at me with his eyes practically popping out and kept saying I look good, even Darren said that people can definitely notice now and he's not one to usually comment on that kind of thing. Some guy I hadn't seen for a bit said I looked slimmer and Helen said I look amazing hurrah!! Starting to get to the point though where I am discussing diet and food in general too much though, especially with Graham's parents. Think I better shut up otherwise I'll end up thin but boring.

Potentially very, very bad news :(

2006-09-15T13:34:00.000Z

When I got home last night after meeting Liz she called and said she'd spoken to her nutritional advisor. She had mentioned the dark ketone sticks to her and she said if I'm drinking enough water, I could be diabetic. I was so upset, I cried and cried on my own in the computer room (when Liz was off the phone obviously). She said to get some Ketostix from the chemist and test myself at different times of the day and perhaps go to the doctors but before I do that I might just get mum to test my blood sugar next weekend with her diabetic instruments. I can't even begin to go into how devastating this would be if I have diabetes. At 26. With all my hormonal problems as well, plus all the general shit I have to put up with like being unhappy so much and never having any money. Didn't tell mum, I know she'd just try and be positive about it but I have heard her say that having diabetes has changed her life and everything in it. I don't care what anyone says, it's a death sentence (well, although I suppose life generally is), even if you can manage it. And I wasn't even that overweight anyway so I really do feel it would be deeply, deeply unfair if I have it, even though I was pretty much resigned to getting it in middle age. And a whole lifetime of restrictions to look forward to - great. Feeling a bit sorry for myself over this if you can't tell. Anyway, today I am a bit more upbeat, thinking I may not have it and wondering whether Liz is either just really cautious or perhaps worrying me unnecessarily (or both??). Someone on the forum said their sticks are dark all the time and their CDC never mentioned diabetes, plus my stick was fine yesterday. Liz is talking about me coming off sole source now but I really want to stay on it. I know I only lost 2lbs last week but she is starting to panic and say that my weight loss is abnormally slow but from what I can work out on the forum, loads of people lose 2lbs some weeks, some don't even lose any at all sometimes!!

Ordered some psyllium husks for the er, toilet problem as that was quite bad again yesterday and I'm not using those Polish things. Hope they are as fab as everyone says they are and aren't too much like drinking glue like that awful fybogel stuff!! Does going to the toilet more regularly mke you lose more weight as well in manner of laxative addicted bulimic I wonder?

Graham's sister coming this weekend so looking forward to spending some time with her, even if it is sober time. She might be bringing some weed up though woo-hoo. That is at least one vice that isn't fattening - just cancer and psychosis inducing instead (oh not to mention illegal). Actually having said that, since starting diet, I have kind of given up smoking. I've only ever smoked a few on the weekends anyway when I was drinking (I am a genuine 'social smoker') but since I've stopped drinking, I've stopped smoking too. Well apart from about the odd 1 or 2 a week and of course if I'm smoking any er, other substances. But there's not much I can do about that as I can't put that in cakes can I??

Week 6 results are rubbish

2006-09-14T18:38:00.000Z

Oh God, how annoying. I have only lost 2lbs again this week which is the second time in 3 weeks. Liz at a loss again as she says usually the week after AAM people lose more, not less!! She says to do SS for one more week and if I don't lose 4lbs minimum then to add some food again and see if it makes me lose more weight, which seems like a contradiction in terms but she reckons it might be something to do with my metabolism. Wee stick perfect this week though so at least that's something. I don't feel too rubbish though as I have broken the 11 stone barrier and am in the 10s now, woo-hoo. OK, so a while to go yet but she kept my spirits up. Also must remember other benefits of diet like fab nails (they have never been this long before) and good skin. And lovely, lovely people on minimums forum. And yummy toffee bar for dinner. There - I have just about managed to delude myself it's not as truly terrible as it is.

Really want to start new job!

2006-09-14T13:40:00.000Z

I am SO bored here at work. It's not that there's nothing to do, I just hate it, it is the most mundane, crappy, tedious thing ever. I have been doing this rubbish for too long - 2 years before uni, one year after uni, all the 2 years during my MSc and now the one year after my MSc I have wasted doing jobs I hate. I can't wait to start at the YOI. Although I'm still nervous, there will be nothing better than getting away from this. Not that there's anything wrong with temping per se but you get treated like a second class citizen sometimes and when you know you're overeducated, it can make you really resentful. Plus I'm one of these kinds of people that finds it hard to do stuff if I'm not motivated so I have to admit, I'm not doing much at work today. I also don't like sitting in front of a computer all day and will look forward to becoming reacquainted with the functions of my legs. Looking forward to seeing Liz tonight - I really hope I've lost 4lbs minimum (fingers crossed). Should definitely be in the 10s unless I haven't lost anything (or put weight on!!!!). Joined the minimims forum today which seems to have loads of members so should always find inspiration in there. If I'd have known all the people in the dieting world were so nice and supportive of each other, I would have done this ages ago!! Some people look fantastic as well on their before and after photos and I hope I will be adding my piccies maybe at the end of next month or in November when I anticipate I should reach target so long as I keep plugging away at it. Sitting in the canteen most lunchtimes with Graham now and it doesn't bother me. Have been cooking occasionally for him too although that is slightly harder as I cooked some chilli the other night and got some on my hand. It took a strength of steel to wash it under the tap rather than lick it off, I tell you. He has also consumed loads of MacDonalds in front of me which I try and tell myself is disgusting, which it kind of is but I don't understand how anything that smells so revolting can be so tempting too. Generally though, I knew I couldn't avoid seeing people eat for ever and it's usually not that bad unless I'm having a 'hungry' or pissed-off day and then I can be a bit of a pain in the arse. It's just it would have been nice to see my boyfriend eat a bit healthier now I'm doing this as it does sometimes get to me that some people just eat rubbish ALL the time, literally, and still be slim. But that's just the way it is I suppose. It's not his fault!! Will update on progress tonight.

Bored of poxy diet

2006-09-13T15:37:00.000Z

First I didn't like loads of flavours, then I seriously went off the soups, now I'm going off the bars too!! I have not enjoyed the last 2 I had as I found them much too sweet and I really, really want something savoury. This is going to be a problem over the next 3 weeks before the next AAM I think, although thank God for chocolate mint 'cos even though it's sweet it's about the only flavour I genuinely still like. Meals getting earlier and earlier but not sure if this is psychological or physical hunger or maybe even boredom - had my lunch shake at 12.00 today which only leaves me one more shake/mousse for the rest of the day. Week 6 weigh in tomorrow. Honestly, if it wasn't for seeing Liz once a week and being weighed, I would find it impossible to go on sometimes. It's the only thing that keeps me going at times like this. I do find it really satisfying seeing the scales and vital stats drop each week even if my weight loss has been quite slow and erratic, so I'd never cheat. Liz says she doesn't understand my weight loss at all as I don't seem to follow a consistent pattern like most people. Trust me to be awkward!! A friend emailed yesterday to say she is on a diet as well and has lost one and a quarter stone to make her 10 stone 4. She is halfway there as she wants to be 9 stone as well (seems to be that 'ideal' kind of weight). Hopefully I will be halfway through my diet tomorrow if I've lost another 4lbs as that will take me to a 25lb weight loss. It would be really nice if we could both reach target together but it's a shame we don't see each other much to give mutual support. Mind you, it does give me more incentive (it's the competitive streak coming out in me, plus she's always suceeded where I've failed in terms of career so I simply can't let her 'win' on this by dropping out now!!! Isn't that awful?). Graham, her boyfriend and another guy were in a band together and out of the 3 of us 'band widows', the singer's girlfriend is the sweet, slim, pretty blonde one so next time we all meet up hopefully me and Rach will be just as sexy!! I despise the fact that I was the fat one. I know I'm friends with guys mainly and obviously I have a boyfriend so it shouldn't really matter anyway but it would be so nice to actually be considered a sexy woman in my own right by all these men, like I used to be, and not just Graham's fat girlfriend. Well, maybe that's not how people see me but it's how I feel sometimes. Ooh, also ordered a book on the GI diet for 85p on the amazon marketplace.

Hunger after AAM

2006-09-12T09:12:00.000Z

I keep reading that you aren't hungry on this diet and for most of the time that's true but I have been quite hungry after finishing AAM. For instance, this morning I had to have my bar and I've almost finished it at 10am which of course means I will have ages until my shake and mousse and nothing else to look forward to. Not sure about the chocolate orange bar, it's a little too sweet for me I think. In fact it's a shame I went off the soups as I'm getting really fed up of all this sweet and cold stuff, maybe I can go back on the chicken and mushroom next week. Need variety. Why don't they make a pizza flavoured shake? Bored of diet now but still soldiering on. Things I would like to eat - steak and chips, spag bol, fish finger sandwich, seafood lasagne, pork stir fry, garlic dough balls, oxtail soup and a crusty roll (!!), ham and mushroom pizza, chicken and stuffing sandwich, jacket potato, sausage and mash, a nice big glass of red wine (though not in one go obviously. Even I'm not that greedy). Oh dear, aren't very healthy choices are they? Hoping soon I will crave a bowl of tomatoes, aubergine and sweet potato or something. Although a piece of salmon with some asparagus and new potatoes would go down very nicely too. Maybe with some creme (??) fraiche mixed with sundried tomato paste and tarragon. Yuuuuuuummmmmmmmm.............

New fish

2006-09-11T09:30:00.000Z

Weekend was boring, boring, boring. Even all the really old people at a concert I went to at the church yesterday got free wine in the interval while I had to go and sit outside with my water. Mum says I expect my life to be too exciting. Did go to Seapets though and pick up some new fish. Spent Saturday night cleaning the tank (oh the excitement) and rather distressingly found that there was very little of Doctor Octopus actually left so couldn't give him a decent burial and he went in the bin wrapped in a Tescos bag. Got a big fat round orange and white one that looks a bit like it has a tumour to me but everyone else liked it and a really small one like Brian except it's black, orange and white and swims properly. They are provisionally called Jabba and Kipperlips. I'm really skint too as I overspent on eBay as usual and have gone over overdraft limit a couple of weeks before I start my new job and have to go from being paid weekly to monthly. This is not good.

Not saying much about diet am I? Well for one thing, I am not taking any more of those Polish pills Liz gave me as it gave me the um, opposite problem to what it was meant to cure ie. had to leg it a couple of times into the loo on Friday night before I had a couple of disgusting accidents. That's the last time I take things with foreign writing on that I don't really have any idea what they are. The toilet problem has not been so bad anyway since finishing AAM. Missed my meals a bit at the weekend but is not too traumatic as I had bars. No toffee malt ones though as she had run out and these are by far the best ones. This diet is becoming a way of life now and not really a talking point anymore with anyone. I am thinking quite a lot about maintenance now though as I really, really want to keep the weight off. From doing quite a bit of reading up on it, the general gist of keeping it off is:

-Get scales and weigh myself every morning. A full size mirror would probably help too.
-Replace all white bread/pasta/rice with granary/brown and restrict potatoes in manner of GI diet. Replace sugar with sweetener, semi milk with skimmed and butter/marg with low fat spread.
-Don't eat late in the evening.
-Make healthy choices 80-90% of the time.
-Don't eat stuff just cos you're offered it or because someone else is having it but have it only if you really want it.
-Take advantage of the free gym in my new job and start working out about 3 times a week. Apparantly, once the weight is gone, exercise is the best way to keep it off.
-Eat breakfast every morning.
-Don't skip meals.
-Keep some CamDie products to have as a back-up and use them as dietary supplements (or at least this is what CamDie recommend but I wonder why?? I'm such a cynic!!).
-Weigh food when cooking to make sure you aren't eating really huge portions.

Trouble is, I actually knew all this in the first place but hopefully this time I will have the incentive to actually do it. When I went to the hairdressers on Saturday, she took a couple of strands of hair and she's going to see how blonde I can go as I might have a change of image at another stone loss to treat myself. Thing is though, what with all the new clothes I need and all the treating myself I want to do, I am going to bankrupt myself!! I am not a completely new woman yet though as there is still loads of flab around my middle to go. Must be more patient. More compliments this weekend from Graham's parents saying that my skin looks glowing and I look not just slimmer but healthier and brighter too. They are very sweet.

I'm an awful fish murderer

2006-09-09T10:39:00.000Z

I am terrible. One of my fish is dead and I didn't even notice and I don't know how long he's been lying at the bottom of the tank and I think the other fish have been nibbling him :( I feel really guilty as I haven't cleaned them out in months and hardly paid them any attention. I'm pretty sure I was feeding them enough but maybe it starved to death. I'm terrible. Brian, the black moor, is still OK, although he still swims around on his head, and Mr Orange, who I had from the beginning with Major Antonio Borderelli (who died really quickly), is the same happy fishy. Seems the normal, plain old goldfish is the most hardy one. Still, better clean them out today and get Graham to remove Dr Octopus. Maybe I'll stick him in a matchbox and give him a water burial in the river like the other one.

Was my last meal on add-a-meal week last night. Was going to be naughty and get a steak, which is not strictly allowed, or maybe even go out for a steak and chips with peas and mushrooms but without the chips. Settled on cod in the end as I had defrosted it. Last night was so boring. Everyone is ignoring me now I don't drink and going off on their own. I was bored and came home early while Graham, Darren and Dav went back to Dav's for ages. I was even asleep by about one, which for a Friday is pretty early. Run out of weed. I don't mean to sound offensive but I bet this diet is easier for people who are maybe a bit older with kids or something so they don't have to worry about what they are going to do in the absence of being expected to drink shitloads at the weekend. Mind you, having kids in itself must make it difficult as you have to cook for them so I guess it's just hard whoever you are. Unless you are teetotal and all your friends are!! Maybe I'm just a really boring person? I worry a lot that this is the case.

Week five results

2006-09-08T08:39:00.000Z

I'm feeling a lot better today as I lost 4lb at my weigh-in. And that was in 2 days if the Tesco weight on Tuesday was correct so excellent progress. Also I am much reassured as Liz says she went to Tesco and weighed herself there and it also said she was shorter than she is plus a couple of her customers have said the same thing so it's just a big lying machine and I am not a previously obese midget after all. She said the processed turkey I ate was a big no no but it hasn't thrown me out of ketosis (don't think anything could!) so I shall just not have it again. Stick was dark pink, still a bit dark but not as worrying as last time. Will stick with 4 litres a day if I can manage. So, total loss now dead on one and a half stone/21lb and almost half way there in five weeks. Two stone/28lb left to do. She also said I had lost 1.5" off my thighs in a week but if my stomach doesn't catch up, I will end up looking like an orange propped on a couple of matchsticks!! One of my jackets came this morning but looks mighty small for a 12. Will hang that up next to the new top for a few weeks time!!

Also, yesterday I had um, toilet problems. Hasn't been so bad on sole source but on add-a-meal I spent literally 20 minutes in the loo and everyone at work probably thought I'd gone home. What was produced as a result was probably most of the 4lb I lost!! (Sorry, it's gross I know but has to be said). Liz didn't have any of the Cambridge Fibre stuff on her so gave me some Polish herbal pills which are supposed to stimulate the intestine rather than have a laxative effect (nice). I took one last night but nothing to report yet. Just hope that when I'm back on sole source from tomorrow that I don't hve this problem again as it is really painful and nasty.

Week five results tonight

2006-09-07T11:58:00.000Z

Urgh, I had only sweet packs yesterday (plus my 'meal') which meant that the only 2 packs left for today before I pick up more tonight were 2 soups - the one chilli one that has been sat around since I started as I'm scared of it and a chicken and mushroom. Couldn't face soup so had no 'breakfast' and was quite hungry by lunchtime. So I thought I'd do my add-a-meal for lunch rather then dinner at the canteen and had 2 slices of cooked turkey and some lettuce which I thought would be fine but now I'm really worried that those processed turkey slices aren't appropriate and probably have added citric acid or carbohydrate in them. It's too late now I guess but I really should have just had a soup even though the thought of a soup is starting to turn my stomach (funny, I really liked them at first). Will just stick to my mini chicken breast fillets tomorrow and Saturday before I go back on sole source which is going to be harder than I thought. For one thing, it's really good being able to have a breakfast, a lunch, then my meal at about 6.30 and still have another shake later on in the evening but now I'll have to go back to 3 meals. I'm planning to have bars though so hopefully won't feel like I'm missing out too much. Also, I've been enjoying my fish and chicken and even the vegetables but I guess I can eat them in another 4 weeks time which isn't that long really. Funny how the world and your life continue to just go on as normal even though you're on a diet - always thought it would feel like everything would go on hold until target weight but it's not that bad really.

Dreading weigh-in tonight what with terrible 2lb loss last week, sodding Tesco scales and purple ketone stick. Really, really hope weight loss is more this week but not feeling very hopeful, especially if I just messed up with the turkey. Mind you, if I'm too high in ketosis and the turkey was bad, it might put me down to a better level of ketosis rather then knocking me out completely?? We'll see. I shall let you (and the lovely supportive woman on the VLCD forum who has been leaving posts for me) tonight.

Almost finished week five

2006-09-06T13:32:00.000Z

Bit more positive today. My chicken was really good again yesterday (just 'frying' it in a little bit of Marigold vegetable bouillon seems to make a big difference, although that has made my new steamer a bit redundant) and I will probably just keep having that until my last meal on Saturday. Have upped my water intake slightly over the last couple of days too to more like 4-4.5 litres so hopefully ketosis stick won't be so dark tomorrow at my 5th weigh-in (what if it is - does this mean I'll have to come off the diet??). If I've only lost a couple of pounds again I'll be honest and say I will be a bit disappointed but I guess that'll still mean I'm losing weight. Also, I've heard that often the week after add-a-meal (that'll be next Thursday then) is often more dramatic in terms of weight loss so there's no good reason to give up just yet. Liz never answered my email and I'm a bit embarrased about sending it now and moaning so much but nevermind. I'm going to get my hair cut this weekend and I've won a skirt (size 12) and 3 jackets/v trendy blazers (one 12, one 12/14 and one 14) from ebay for ridiculously bargainy prices so I shall look forward to getting into those. I'm not a size 12 yet but they're all good incentives though I'll probably never be able to do them up over my boobs!! I'm giving up with soups next week as I am sick to death of them, I reckon I will get bars for lunch instead and probably just chocolate mint and a few banana shakes for all other times!! Been on the VLCD forum a few times to moan as well and found that very helpful as the people are so nice but felt a little put out when I read that most of them had lost the amount I've lost in 2 weeks or something. Still, I guess it's different if you are trying to lose, like, 10 stone or something.

Thinking about times which are going to be hard and nothing really sticks out except going to see my friends in the second week of November at Bristol. They are my best mates from home and I hardly ever see them any more. We always go out for a meal and usually get pretty drunk too. I don't know what stage I shall be in in November but if I continue to lose so slowly, I may be just off sole source or maybe even still in it. It's likely I will be stabilising so it's probably not best to go out for a meal or drink. Hmmmm. How likely is that?? Not very.

I despise Tescos weighing machine

2006-09-05T15:00:00.000Z

Had some chicken last night, cooked in a bit of stock with celery and some asparagus and it was really, really good. Think the bit of stock gave it a bit more flavour so gonna do the cod the same way tonight.

Liz had suggested I go and weigh myself on Tesco's super-dooper machine at some point before Thursday as she said some people have got different (and better) results from her scales on that one and I was so pissed off about only losing 2lbs so I think she was hoping to encourage me when I lost a couple more pounds (I do'nt have scales at home). How wrong she was. Not only have I not lost ANY weight since last weigh-in on Thursday, meaning I have now only lost 2lbs in eleven days, but I'm also allegedly just 5'4 and a half which means I am nowhere near 'normal' weight after all and was infact obese when I started. I swear I am not that short but I just don't know, I really don't want to be that short. I walked around Tesco afterwards with Graham while he bought cheese, sausage rolls, muffins, kit kats and pasta practically in tears. This is a real blow. This money and sacrifice is simply not worth it at the moment if I am losing so little. I guess it might just be plateauing though so I'm not going to give up but it's really tough at the moment and I wrote an email to Liz saying I didn't know if it was worth continuing but I'd see her in a couple of days time. She hasn't replied yet. Also really worried about the ketone test as I don't like the idea of having changed my internal chemistry that much and slowing my metabolism down. Surely if it's so slow then when I come off the diet and start eating food, all the weight will just go back on again? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment. I just want to continue on the diet and keep losing weight and not be so much in ketosis. Clearly it's too much to ask. I'm fed up.

Month results - VERY disappointed this week

2006-09-04T10:17:00.000Z

I just don't understand it - I have followed this diet religiously. Absolutely no cheating and I swear I am drinking more than enough water. So why oh why did I only lose 2lbs in week four?? That works out at over £15 per lb. Did my wee stick thing and it was really, really dark so Liz looked a bit concerned and reckons I might not be drinking enough water. Well either that or too much?!! I did miss a 'meal' on the Wednesday before I was weighed and she also thinks that may have affected me as it appears my metabolism has kind of, well, stopped. Could also explain the feeling shitty and having to take the day off work but that was before I skipped the meal so I don't know. She says the add a meal week will probably help as it will speed up my metabolism and make me lose more weight. I hope she's right cos it's not worth doing this diet at all and spending so much money if I continue to only lose so little. Anyway, the grand total weight loss over a month is now 17lbs (week 1-4lbs, week 2-7lbs, week 3-4lbs, week 4-2lbs) - that's 4lbs off one and a half stone and a bit less than I was hoping/expecting to lose. BUT it's still quite a lot of weight, especially in such a short time AND she reckons my inch loss has been more dramatic but I can't remember all those figures except that she says I have lost 5 or so inches off my waist and even half an inch from my arms (but hardly any off my bust - I am doomed to be be thin with big breasts!!). London was OK but sat around watching everyone get drunk again which is getting seriously boring. Nevermind - I consoled myself with a couple of js at about 2 in the morning when everyone else was playing pool in the pub downstairs. Went shopping and found a really cute top with little stars on it which was only in a 14 or a 10 so, feeling overly optimistic, I bought the 10 and have hung it up in my room waiting for when I can fit in it. Also bought horrendously high shoes which I can't walk in. A few people said I looked really good at the party (I saw a group of people there in the first week of my diet) which was nice but I'm never really convinced people mean it cos they all know I'm on a diet and might just be trying to be nice and supportive. Actually though, one girl there I haven't seen since Christmas who didn't know I am dieting said I looked really good and my skin looks clear and bright. Maybe it's the not drinking? Still, it's good to receive lots of compliments but I was hoping to be thinner for that party. My next 'target' is a birthday party in 2 weeks time which some of my boyfriend's family are at and at the end of the month, I am going to see mum (the real test) and maybe a friend we haven't seen for about 6 weeks. Also looks like I'll definitely be starting my new job on a diet (grrr).

Anyway, add a meal week commenced on Saturday. I got back from London after a nightmare 5 hour journey as there was something wrong with the train and went straight to Tesco to buy a steamer and some food which all came to a horrific £30 (790 and 1000 calories stages are going to be so expensive as you still have to have CamDie packs AND buy food). Had steamed cod with parsley and asparagus on day one and steamed cod and some rocket salad yesterday. Conclusions - the first day it was really good but yesterdays wasn't all that. I thought I would get more pleasure from it but I could have quite happily done without. I think it's just that it's a bit boring and I'm not a salad fan anyway. Gonna try cooking a bit of chicken with some celery in a tiny bit of stock tonight but the amount of chicken you can eat is a joke. I hope this isn't a bad omen as I have to really enjoy this stuff because it's the kind of thing I'll have to eat forever. No, I'm being negative - the steamed fish was good and so was the asparagus. It's all good.

Very late week 3 results

2006-08-31T08:51:00.000Z

I was right - it was PMT. I came on the day after posting that blog and had a monster period which made me feel bloated and fat and depressed. The week 3 result was a loss of 4 lbs which took me down to 11 stone 6 - a 15lb loss total in 21 days. She didn't take my measurements as she said my hormones would probably have increased my waist measurement and annoy me (think she was in a bit of a rush too). My month weigh in is tonight and to be honest, I'd really like to have lost 6lbs, taking me down to 11 stone and a total one and a half stone weight loss but I have more likely lost 3 or 4 I think. It's add a meal week next week (I am starting on Saturday when we get back from London) and it can't come any quicker. Liz reckons I shouldn't go back on sole source afterwards as it's really hard but according to the book, it's fine as you remain in ketosis and is a perfectly normal course if you want to lose more weight. Despite what she says, I'm going to try as I still have a lot to lose and if I start faffing around with food now then I will never lose it. I didn't really want to start a new job on a diet but I don't think it's a good enough excuse to come off it, especially as I am quite used to it now and I can have a bar for lunch and not look too conspicuous. Worrying about breathing stinky breath all over the juvenile robbers though. Can't believe I haven't had a drink in a month and don't think I will enjoy this party tomorrow very much. Had a rubbish bank holiday, fed up of seeing my boyfriend return from the pub pissed and throwing up all night, it's starting to get on my nerves. So I just sat around stoned and watching films most of the time. And I'm ill with a cold now which is making me feel weak and spacey. Mum seems to think diet may have weakened my immune system but I haven't had a cold since February so it was well overdue. I took the day off yesterday and only managed 2 diet packs. Had to get out of the house though and sat in the park where I met a guy named Tree who I chatted to for a couple of hours and would have had a big smoke with if I hadn't already felt really weird. Strange how these things always happen when you least expect them. Hope I catch up with him again, he was a really interesting person with loads of good stories. So general thoughts are - I am surviving mainly on chocolate mint and banana now as I have got bored with all the other flavours and I need more bars I think for the variety; if I can manage a month of this without cheating then anyone can; I'm not that hungry until I smell food whereupon it feels like torture and I am hopeful that I can continue with this for another month but I am really looking forward to my pathetic amount of fish and chicken next week.

Very mixed emotions

2006-08-23T09:50:00.000Z

Today is a day of very mixed emotions for me. As regards the diet, I'm still hanging in there and my third weigh in is tomorrow. I'm quite confident I've lost the 3 lbs to make me 11st 7lb (a whole stone loss, yay!!) but hopefully I will be down to a bit less. Checking my BMI chart thing, I only have a few pounds to go to be at the highest end of the OK weight at 11st 1lb (but this is of course assuming I am actually 5'6" which is the height I have been telling people for years but am not so sure I'm not 5'5". Absolutely no idea where to get this checked though - they measured me at the new doctors but didn't tell me what I was!). Still going to aim for 9 stone though. My thoughts are turning constantly to the future and sometimes I feel like I'm looking forward to a new diet and a new healthy me but also I realise that this will mean eating stuff I don't always want and, more importantly, NEVER EVER being able to eat the stuff I love again and I sometimes doubt my resolve to keep that up long term. I'm also really scared to come off this diet at all now. Everyone keeps saying 'don't overdo it' (weird, all the same people who I'm sure thought I was really fat - maybe they don't like the idea of me actually being thin) but this diet has become second nature to me now and at least I know that I am getting the nutrition I need in a relatively easy and pleasant tasting (if slightly boring) way. I am scared of replacing all my previous white bread with granary (yuk) and white pasta with wholemeal pasta (yuk) or with no carbohydrates at all (even worse). Sweet stuff isn't a problem, so long as I keep away from the freshly baked cookies at Tesco - I've even been baking cakes for the lads on this diet with no problems, but I can see myself just eating nothing basically if I'm going to be terrified of carbohydrates, fat, dairy and fruit but don't really like much veg. Plus I am realising that being with my boyfriend has not helped at all and I have had to explain to him that when I'm off this diet, he will have to continue doing his own "cooking" (well, making sandwiches, buying crap from Tesco or putting a pizza in the oven!!) if I'm going to make healthy choices. I would like it if we could eat together but he can eat whatever the hell he wants and never put on weight (just like his whole family) and I had been previously cooking for us as it's easier and he likes a very limited, high fat diet. He can't eat like he does now forever though (God, why am I becoming such a food preacher? It's like a reformed smoker!) but it is not my responsibility. Or is it? I'm not sure. But will I never be able to enjoy a take away or restaurant meal with him again (without having to pick a poxy salad)? Or a drink?? Lots of stuff going through my head and I'm just not sure what the future will bring. All I know is I want to be really thin but still get the same pleasure from food I always have done and not feel guilty. The guilt is a central feature really. Oh, I don't know. I'm rambling. Thank God nobody actually reads this shite.

Warning - very long boring bit coming up!!!!! Please skip if you don't want to read an extended moan about my life.

Also, much thinking has been done about why I am this way and I've come to some firm conclusions. My initial problems with fussy eating were a direct cause/symptom of arguments that my mum and dad have over the dinner table before they got divorced. Dad reckoned I should be able to eat what I wanted and mum wanted me to eat healthily. I always ate what my dad did because I had this weird f***ed up respect for him even though he hasn't done much for me my entire life and I didn't even speak to him for 8 years. He is now 60, drinks like a fish, smokes, is overweight, eats out at restaurants all the time and loves steak but doesn't like veg or fruit. But he must have a far healthier ancestory than mum, whom I take after, because he seems OK for it. I never started putting weight on until I was about 15/16 when I stopped any amount of limited exercise I did, went out drinking and got boyfriends. My diet was never healthy (to the despair of mum) and I distinctly remember living on diet coke, mars bars and sausage rolls at school but had previously remained slim. I also had a lot of issues with self harming/alleged depression at the time and gained a complex and stressful relationship with mum as a result. The weight gain continued slowly but I mainly gained on my boobs, which had been a constant source of misery for me since puberty, when I was the only girl with breasts at school and clearly remember men perving on me from as young as 12. I got older and bigger (although by this stage I was probably only a 12 albeit with 34GG tits) and as my self harm abated, my self respect or esteem never did and I had one night stands, completely inappropriate relationships and f***ed up my A levels, meaning I took 2 years out working jobs in offices I thought were below me, stuffing myself with chicken mayo baguettes for lunch, and the only thing that had given me hope and I had taken for granted - my supposedly high intellect - was now something I had to prove to people. I did go to uni eventually though and got a breast reduction on the NHS in the middle of my first year. About a year before I went the doctor weighted me and said I was 11 stone and needed to lose weight but when I went to have my operation I was 9 and a half. This made no sense to me whatsoever, especially as I had been eating just as much at uni, although may have been counteracted by the amount of walking I did. During all this time I had been on the pill, which I had been on pretty consistently since I was 16. But I never consciously went on a diet or attempted to lose weight. All I know is I was happiest with my body just after my breast reduction. Then I met my boyfriend and discovered take-away pizza, something I had never really encountered before because although I never ate veg, mum would never have let me eat delivery/take-away. Of course, I was also knocking back a fair few snakebite and blacks although I insist I was not drinking more than I had done in the 2 years before uni. The third year was a very black year for me as I became very depressed, had problems with my boyfriend, felt extremely lonely and my weight gain was quite substantial, including the weight straight back onto my boobs, making the 4 hour operation and blood transfusion I had had kind of redundant. The third year ball photos upset me so much, I ripped myself out of all of them. I had also come off the pill, blaming it for my weight gain, and realised I only had about 2 periods a year. Which brings me onto the principal cause, I believe, of my fluctuating weight in the absence of dieting. I believe I have PCOS (although this has never been confirmed by a doctor). I went to a gynaecologist who said he didn't think I had it but I got the impression he was just fobbing me off and gave me no reason for the fact that I have almost all of the symptoms of polycystic ovary syndrome - very few periods, irregular and painful periods, a history of diabetes type 2 in the family plus heart disease and thinning hair, skin tags, excess facial hair around the chin and upper lip, excess body hair, especially on the stomach, thinkening body hair on the legs (although Italian relatives have something to do with this) and most importantly, weight gain that couldn't be wholly explained through lifestyle, worsening of symptoms when I was larger and a proportionately huge waist over 35" (well, up until last week). Of course when I read up about it on the internet, it makes me seriously miserable. It may be quite a common condition but what I have to look forward to is infertility, miscarriages, endometrial cancer, diabetes type 2 (almost a given this one as my mum has it), high blood pressure, heart disease, heart attack and an early death (also all givens as they are standard occurances on my mum's side of the family). And the despair inducing irony of all this is that it makes losing weight much harder and putting on weight really easy, especially from what I've read, if you even so much as look at my favourite high carb spag bol or a pizza. It really is enough to make me weep. I am 26 and have been battling with this for years I reckon and only really noticed it when I came off the the pill and put on more weight. And I will ALWAYS battle with it when other people of my age have enjoyed their 20s being slim and not having to worry about these things, not even thinking about death when I have to think about death and ill health all the time. Even if I lose loads of weight, I will NEVER be able to slack on my eating habits. My mum is completely governed by her health issues as she battles with her blood pressure and diabetes even though she goes regularly to the gym and enjoys salad and fish and weird looking healthy things all the time. And I know I bear a certain amount of responsibility for this as I have not always eaten healthily and have shunned exercise since school sports which I hated but this is not my fault and I can't help feeling it is desperately unfair. I did lose quite a bit of weight after uni when I went back home to mums for a year away from my boyfriend but this was not a conscious decision. I was still not eating great but had a (complete dropout) job working in ASDA on my feet all day. At this point I went back on anti-depressants, went to counselling, still agonised over my relationship with my boyfriend and to my complete shame, went out shoplifting sometimes to raise my spirits. I then made the decision to do a Masters degree and moved to Leicester with Graham for 2 years while I completed it part time and worked full time as a credit controller. This meant lots of hard work and stress, dirt cheap pizza places over the road, no time to cook (and no inclination when we argued so much about housework that the kitchen was always filled with dirty plates) and the biggest weight gain of my life so far. I came out with my Masters but also weighed probably about 2 and a half stone more than when I moved there. We then came to Suffolk and I intially lost weight because we were at his parents and as his mum did the shopping, I got her to get healthier options and went to work with one tuna roll and a pot of low fat yoghurt. I then came here and there was a free canteen where I intially made what I thought was the healthier option of a jacket potato for lunch (apparantly devil's food according to the GI diet) but then disintegrated into higher fat options, although I never had much dinner, if any, when I got home and only ever had low fat yoghurt or toast for brekkie. My PCOS symtoms have continued to get worse and although my relationship with my boyfriend is no longer racked with confusion and uncertainty and I am far happier, I can tell you years of having excess hair and fat problems have done nothing for our sex life and that's another thing I feel like I've missed out on in my 20s, despite being in a relationship the whole time!! Currently, I am much happier in myself, though I still feel quite lonely here, and it is only since I have been in a calmer state (I think living in the countryside has benefitted me no end) that I have able to reflect on this and try to do something about this problem. But I still think it's unfair that even if I can get down to the elusive size 10, I am still going have this PCOS problem and will have to deal with it permanently. Unless I am misinformed and it goes away?? Whatever. All I know is I'm 26 and this has been my life and it's impossible to turn the clock back and to have just sorted out my weight issues out earlier before they got out of control (although I really tried with that gynaecologist but he wasn't interested) and I know that quite a lot of the "best times" (allegedly) of my life were spent being overweight and feeling unattractive, either with freak boobs or a layer of blubber. But the thing that bothers me most about it is that as an intelligent and feminist human being, I know that this shouldn't matter, that this is just what the media lead me to believe or that the government want me to believe so I don't stand up for more important and less shallow causes. Or that the main issue should be my health, not the way I look. But I've come to resent other people, even people close to me like my boyfriend's sister, for their slimness and popularity (are they mutually exclusive?) and it must stop. I MUST stop feeling sorry for myself, clearly my problems are not all weight related. But I'm scared once I've lost weight I may realise it isn't actually the answer to happiness after all. But one step at a time, I've made a postive step and that is what counts....

Phew, long boring bit over with!!!

Anyway, on a brighter note, another reason for mixed emotions is that I got that job I went for last week. So I have finally, at the grand old age of 26 and with 2 degrees (and the debt to show for it), got a low grade learning support assistant job. But in a YOI which is the main thing, hurrah!!! This will hopefully lead onto bigger and better things with my career and will also mean I won't have to do this shite anymore either, doubly yay!!! So, this WILL be the new me, thin and career minded. Of course, I'm totally terrified but hope this will subside when I start in a month or sos time. Also have this weird feeling like whenever something good happens to me that I get really emotional and feel really tearful which doesn't make any sense. Oh God, what with all this and the story of my life above, I can only assume PMT. Honestly, I'm not usually this self-obsessed and boring. What I wrote above is a bit depressing don't you think?? And you thought it was a blog about the Cambridge Diet!!

Week two results

2006-08-18T10:17:00.000Z

Well I was convinced I hadn't lost anything. Apart from the fact that my neck looks thinner (!), I certainly never thought I'd lost more than an inch off my waist. So imagine my suprise when I went last night and discovered I lost 7lbs in week two and a total of three inches from my waist since I started (don't think she believed it either and took the measurements twice. Maybe she has a cunning second tape measure which starts at -3 and makes people think they are thinner??). That's 11lbs in two weeks and I can hardly notice the difference!! Well blow me down with a feather and call me Charlie. Although actually now I mention it, a belt is pretty urgently needed now for my jeans as I am displaying the tops of my pants to everyone at work on dress down day. This news has made my day and now I don't even mind that it's a Friday and I can't drink. If I lose another 11lbs over the next two weeks, I will be just under 11 stone for the part in London. Hurrah!!

Two weeks tomorrow

2006-08-17T13:57:00.000Z

Am really stressed out at work today and find that is when I want to eat especially when I am working really hard and usually 'treat' myself when that is the case. Instead of cookies I am treating myself with things from ebay like new boots today. This may make me thinner but it has meant that the last 2 weeks what with all the retail therapy AND the cost of the diet packs, I have gone over my overdraft limit. Which stresses me out and depresses me so I want to eat again!! Been checking out load of style tips this week so that when I have my newly attained size 10 figure I can go out and buy a new wardrobe (may have to rob bank first) of stuff that suits me. Progress on diet so much slower than thought it would be. Perhaps the things you read about (I lost 12 stone in 2 hours kind of thing) are just the exceptional cases but I don't even think I've lost half a stone in 14 days. Still, we will see tonight at my second weigh-in. Feeling a bit PMTish though so can only hope that this might explain bloaty feeling as it's certainly not because I've been cheating - I haven't even had any Coke Zero since Friday and none of the vegetable bouillon that Liz gave me. Not eating the bars either and yesterday I didn't even finish my soup for lunch. Still determined and suprised at my incredible willpower but being thin is something I have wanted for so long. It just gets me down sometimes that I feel so weak. This morning I could hardly muster enough strength to walk up the stairs and I'm getting plenty of sleep so it can't be that. Lots of stuff on my mind at the mo as I am desperately waiting a phone call to tell me I got the job I went for an interview for on Tuesday at the Young Offenders Institution. If I do maybe I'll celebrate. With a glass of water.

Waving chips in my face grrr....

2006-08-13T16:30:00.000Z

Well I went to London and got back a few hours ago. It was a really good time except that the guys I met up with kept saying 'have a drink, it'll be OK, you can have a vodka and diet coke on a diet' and it's really tiring having to keep explaining to people that you are on a diet where you can't eat or drink anything. One of them also thought it would be a nice idea to wave chips 'amusingly' in my face later on at a bar where they got something to eat. In fact the chicken burger that was consumed really tested my sanity. But I didn't budge. I had to have poxy soda water all night and one place in Soho charged me two quid! Got really caned later with boyf's sister and her boyfriend though so it was all good and still had brilliant time. Didn't miss the train either (bargain!!). Popped down to the regatta today and that was rubbish, although had a spit roast pig, a burger and bacon roll van, a crepe van and a bar, so I guess that was good for pretty much everyone else. Might go to bingo tonight, there are no temptations there as the caff is pretty greasy and horrible and I'm driving so couldn't drink even if I could, if you see what I mean! Good news - my size 16 jeans keep slipping down and in serious need of a belt before I make an arse of myself. Also a couple of people have sweetly said they can notice some weight loss or I look better for losing a couple of pounds (hmm, not sure whether this is backhanded compliment or not?). Of course they are lying but they are very nice anyway.

And the results are in....

2006-08-12T10:31:00.000Z

Well, the first weigh in is done and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a tad disappointed. Total loss is 4lbs over 7 days so am still over 12 stone and still have ages to go (God, how hard must this be if you have about 10 stone to lose??). Thought I'd be doing this for one or two months but at this rate will be more like until November without a drink, aarghhhh!! And then of course it will be Christmas. Not sure for reasons why weight loss was so puny as I followed the diet exactly with the small exception of having 2 bars in the week. Could it be the Coke Zero? She assured me it's OK to drink but not sure. She also said I need to drink more water as my wee stick thing was really dark purple. As if I haven't been drinking about 3.5/4 litres a day!! I may as well move my desk and computer into the toilet at work. Went out last night and no Coke Zero at a couple of pubs so had to have soda water and look really cheap, especially as only had a tenner in my wallet and it cost 50p (didn't think soda water cost anything??). Was really caned as wanted to join in fun but everyone else just thought I was weird I think as they weren't drunk until later and I kept getting really confused. Off to London in a mo to sit in the pub all afternoon. I know I'm going to feel like I really need a drink as I'm with people I haven't seen in ages but hopefully I won't need it and we'll all get on really well with no awkwardness whatsoever in the manner of old best friends. Will probably get horribly caned too (could this be preventing more dramatic weight loss?? I really hope not). So overall, a bit disappointing but it is something and like the woman pointed out, it would be a huge party if you lost this much in a month at Weightwatchers. It is not a good reason to give up. If I lose another 4lbs next week, that'll be over half a stone and that of course will be 1/7th of the way there!! Positive thoughts Clare, positive thoughts.....

Day seven - yes, yes, yes!!

2006-08-10T09:45:00.000Z

When I finish today then I will have done a whole week and only 3 more until I can eat something, even if it is a tiny, tiny bit of chicken and some vegetables I don't like. Weigh in tomorrow evening at 6. Have cheered up immensely since yesterday, lay on the sofa watching DVDs and slobbing out with a duvet and lots of pillows and called mum so felt a lot better when I went to bed (and didn't stay awake until 5 either). Also was convinced I wasn't losing any weight despite strict adherence to diet but last night in the shower thought my waist looked a bit slimmer and my face has lost a bit of weight. I was thinking that this is a really refreshing change for me. Rather than obsess over jobs and interviews and whether I'll ever start a career, I am focussing 100 per cent on this diet and working towards something tangible. So despite thinking losing weight was going to be one of the hardest things in my life, it's actually rather simple and certainly easier for me than trying to focus on my dire career prospects, which are so much harder to sort out. In fact I feel much more positive in myself in general knowing that I have set a target which I can reach rather than having a vague job target which I don't know how to reach and can't seem to suceed in anyway. So general conclusions and feelings after a week on the CamDie:

-It is a million times easier than I thought it would be but is still hard, especially in the evenings after work. You couldn't do this diet unless you are 100% committed to losing weight otherwise you'd get bored and give up.
-Most unfortunate side effects are stinky breath and bizarre insomnia
-Other side effects are nausea and burping (!). Also feel quite weak and shaky.
-Don't believe what they say when they say you are not hungry after a few days. I still go to bed starving hungry and my stomach rumbles and hurts like mad.
-Psychologically, I have been up and down. I seem to swing from feeling really positive, indeed really happy, to extremely emotional and depressed. A bit like this anyway though without the diet so it's probably nothing. Without being overly dramatic, the diet takes over not just in a physical, eating type of way but takes over your mind, and not necessarily in a bad way. I think it's great that I have taken some control over food and some responsibility for my diet and health but more importantly that I can prove to myself that I can control something in my life, as I frequently feel things are all out of my control when it comes to other stuff.
-I have found much inspiration from other people's blogs, especially from the guy at http://mylighterlife.iblog.com/index.php, whose posts I read every day. In fact, doing my own blog has helped me enourmously, even if nobody does read it!! Not planning to keep writing everyday though now I have done a week.
-Thank God there are no calories in a spliff!!
-I want bread, toast, pasta (all white), carbs, carbs, carbs and Lurpak. Hope this feeling goes away when I come off the diet.
-My boyf has been a total star throughout (apart from mean KFC incident). We have been getting on famously now I have finally admitted to being overweight and am doing something about it as was previously a very touchy subject and something that I was plagued with self disgust about. A problem shared and all... Mind you of course that makes me worry that if I fail, then everyone will know and be disappointed and add to further feelings of self-disgust.
-Best flavours are choc-mint, chocolate, chicken and mushroom and cappucino. Tomato soup and forest fruits are minging of the highest degree. And mix a mousse is weird and doesn't work properly. The guy on the blog above has added some fab recipes to his site - put choc-mint paste onto a bit of foil in freezer for an hour and it tastes yummy like chocolate and has a great texture (although think this may get rid of all the nutritional content?).

Day six - isn't this supposed to be getting easier, not harder?

2006-08-09T10:02:00.000Z

Urgh, feel like poo. Spent all of last night lying awake until 5am in a wide awake and hungry frenzy. Was tempted to toast about 10 slices of bread with butter. As a result, I overslept and was one and a half hours late for work (but boss not in so nobody any the wiser unless someone says something). Drove here in stupor, snapping at boyf. To top it off, my posh frother, which he offered to pay for, arrived from ebay and looks cheap and doesn't have a coil on the end of it. And I have had a shitty email from the lady we have sold a futon to on ebay as well as she says she hasn't got enough bits to put it together with. Ooh, did win new motorola phone for bargain price though (not that I can afford it but I don't want any more scary stalker incidents where I call people from my phone and hang up on them cos I can't hear them). That and the chocolate CamDie bar I am eating now at my desk are the only things keeping me cheerful today. This is getting really hard, and I thought it was supposed to be getting easier, especially when ketosis sets in and your hunger is allegedly supressed? I was starving last night and now feel really weak and awful though I suppose this is probably because I haven't had much sleep. And haven't even finished first week yet. Humph. Also pissed off as I was reading some articles on weight loss yesterday which said that 97% of people who lose weight put it all back on again, and some, when they come off their diet. So being fat is bad, but going on a diet is bad. It's enough to make me want to go home early, put some slobby clothes on, draw the curtains and eat a family size meast feast in the dark.

Day five

2006-08-08T08:21:00.000Z

Went to see Liz yesterday to swap some flavours round. She must have been convinced she had a scary stalker or something as my mobile appears to be packing up and I tried calling her twice and then had to hang up 'cos I couldn't hear her when she answered! She made me a cup of vegetable broth/stock stuff which was quite nice so I might buy a tub of that on Friday and gave me an extra vegetable soup for no good reason other than she's just nice. We chatted for a bit which was good (it's nice to chat to women occasionally) and she made me wee on a stick which showed, with a stunning lilac, that I am officially in ketosis. Shame about the breath though - she recommended a breathspray from Savers of all places that doesn't have citric acid in it and costs about 2p. General feelings today are that this is not as hard as I thought it would be. It kind of blows my mind when I think too much about how I haven't eaten any real, chewy food for 5 days now, as if I am doing something really unnatural which means I should be dead. I mean, of course I am getting enough calories to live and the right nutrition but it just seems kind of wrong to not eat. Although liberating at the same time. Hmmmm. Also, the butterscotch was most disappointing.

Yay!! Stinky breath!!

2006-08-07T12:54:00.000Z

Hurrah the stinky breath has well and truly set in. Hope this is not a permanent feature however as boyf has been cowering in revulsion whenever I open my mouth. Bring on the ketones....

Day four. Oooh, wonder if ketosis has set in.

2006-08-07T08:17:00.000Z

Never before have I anticipated or indeed desired bad breath before. The boyf says he thinks it might be setting in and there's a funny taste in my mouth hurrah! Don't think I've lost any weight yet though as my work trousers were still tight this morning :( Back to boring, boring work today - usually when I want to stuff myself silly with food and take full advantage of the free lunch (yes, there really is such a thing as a free lunch). But must remain poised control freak. Went for a really long 'cruise' last night with the guys which was a bit of a nightmare for 2 reasons. Firstly, I had already had about 3 litres of water but took another 75 ml bottle with me and then desperately needed the loo when we were stuck right in the middle of nowhere. Graham just managed to get me to the train station on time where I legged it into the cloakroom and weed for England. Secondly, they got hungry (even though I had generously cooked a huge plate of my favourite pasta for my boyf earlier) and stopped outside the KFC where I started feeling really sorry for myself and dropped major hints about them eating it inside very quickly and leaving me in the car listening to She is Suffering by the Manics. They didn't get the hint though and came wandering up to the car about 10 minutes later with their huge KFC bags. I made them sit outside and eat it by the side of the road which was perhaps a bit mean in retrospect but I was really suffering. My resolve weakened and I felt utterly miserable, as if I was being punished for being overweight and as if I was doomed to a lifetime of watching other people enjoy food when I never can. It seems so unfair to me that they are both skinny and apparantly healthy when their diet consists entirely of either meat with loads of salt on it, loads of white bread with marmite on it, beer, kebab meat and chips and cake (the flatmate) or sausage rolls, cocktail sausages, huge cheese sandwiches with brown sauce (yuk yuk yuk), crisps, massive cooked sausages from Tesco (I see a theme developing) and junk food (the boyf). Kept my mind off it by reading a funny book and this morning, although I think it'll be tough at work when it's so boring, I feel much more positive. After all I have gone 3 whole days without food, have not cheated once and am still alive! Also, keep picturing (thin) Sophie Dahl in my head and pictures of me my mum took last weekend and will not stop until I start resembling the former. Also thought I'd try a nice blue colour for today's post!

Day three

2006-08-06T10:15:00.000Z

So day two is over and done with and today I can look forward to allegedly the worst day, day three. This is the stage where people start dribbling, talking in tongues and start chewing the cat. Or something like that. The stage before ketosis sets in. Yesterday was quite tough by the end of the night. I was starving hungry and felt really quite uncomfortable but I stuck an old fave on the DVD player, watched it on my own in bed and felt marginally better. Was grumpy all day, had some stupid argument with the boyf over a fiver and had a splitting headache all afternoon and evening. This is apparantly due to carbohydrate withdrawal and as my previous diet was so rich in carbs, going cold turkey is especially hard. Guess the pizza the other night didn't help too much! I have been drinking loads of liquid though to combat it so I don't know why it was quite so bad. I must have had at least 3 litres of water and half a litre of Coke Zero yesterday. The diet was slightly redeemed however by nicer flavours - the chicken and mushroom soup was good, the chocolate orange bar, which I had to have even though I'm not technically supposed to so early, was OK although rather dense, and the chocolate mint mousse for brekkie was well nice (although I put the mousse stuff in and left it for 10 mins in the fridge and it still didn't set so don't know what's going on there?). I am going to have to get my 3 tomato soups and remaining forest fruits shake swapped over this week. I'm still remaining positive and remembering the reasons why I am doing this though and I am NOT going to cheat, even when I meet up with some really old friends allegedly for a day of hardcore drinking next Saturday. I don't care if they think I'm boring, I'm on the old Coke Zero and/or spliffage, and that's that! It's funny though how you seem to get hungry during the day but I am not waking up hungry at all. Good things about this diet (to keep me motivated):

1) Hardly any washing up, hooray!! Only have to wash a mug and the blender at home. Now when I say to the boys 'the washing up in the kitchen is yours' they will have to believe me!

2) No guilt about not eating hardly any fruit or veg or eating too many unhealthy things. This was something that always played on my mind before and something I found quite difficult due to my fussiness over food but now I know I am supposedly getting the correct nutrition. Granted, a plate of broccoli would probably be better for me but this is better than nothing.

3) No food choices. Although it may get a tad boring by the end of the month, I don't have to worry about food or cook for anyone else. This is the main reason I chose this diet over something like Weight Watchers (which I do believe is actually a better diet in terms of teaching you long term solutions towards eating sensibly). I don't have to weigh food, count things or be tempted. Well, I am tempted but don't have the option of that little bit of food which will only make me want more. You wouldn't give someone who just gave up smoking one fag would you?

4) God, food is going to taste so good when I can eat some in September, maybe even food I don't really like. Also, I can now discriminate between foods that smell nice and that don't. For example, at the pub the other night the restaurant food smelt really good and healthful but yesterday when we went to a mini music festival (which was rubbish and full of strange countryside, Texas Chainsaw types) the burger vans didn't smell so good, they just smelt fatty and nasty. Actually, that's a lie, I probably could have stuffed 5 burgers down my mouth ;)

Right, off to go and pick up the boyfs parent's dog for the day. Supposed to be taking him for a nice long walk and actually feel like I have the energy which is suprising given that I haven't eaten any real food for 2 days.

Day two and going strong

2006-08-05T10:44:00.000Z

I am having such shitty luck with these food packs. When I got home yesterday evening, ready to eat the sofas, I made a banana mousse but kind of messed it up and some of it went really lumpy and some really liquid then it didn't set properly (although the flavour was quite nice) then when I got back from the pub I made a spicy tomato soup which was gross, especially as I had put it in the blender and it was frothy which just seemed kind of wrong for a soup. Half of that went down the sink even though I tried to jazz it up a bit by adding salt and pepper and mixed herbs (which just got stuck in my mouth). Then this morning I made a forest fruits shake with ice cubes in the blender and it was also gross which was disappointing as it smelt really good. I think I may have added too much water. But I'm still positive and planning to go and swap these food packs for different flavours. I didn't drink anything except 4 bottles of Coke Zero in the pub last night and it wasn't too bad actually. Admittedly I had smoked half a j before going out which eased the pain a bit but when I got a bit bored towards the end of the night, when everyone was really drunk, I just walked home and went to bed not feeling like I'd missed out but feeling quite proud of myself. I did smoke a few fags last night though which made me feel a bit quesy. In fact I have been feeling a bit sick since I started this diet but I read it's something to do with the mineral content. Am also cold, though this might be more to do with the sudden drop in temperature. But I'm not that hungry, which is marvellous. I did bore everyone stupid in the pub talking about the diet, which was something I had vowed not to do, but they didn't seem to mind too much although most of them thought it was way too extreme. They are all too sweet to tell me to shut up anyway!

God I'm good at this here blogging thing

2006-08-04T12:49:00.000Z

Wow, two posts in one day. No idea who would actually want to read my ramblings but I think I've got myspace syndrome ie persistent checking and amending. I have just had my 'lunch' of a chocolate shake and have to confess it was rather nice. Not a very satisfactory meal admittedly but nice all the same. Got 2 mini whisks from Morrisons for about 49p but may as well have used a spoon for the amount of frothing they did so not very highly recommended by me. Got a rather snazzy black and white stripy mug too to cheer me up that I wasn't having 2 chicken and mayonnaise with lettuce rolls and maybe a twirl or a pear (not that I thought too much about what I would have had). Want an electric frothing thing from ebay but the good ones are £7 and the bank statement says no, which is pretty rubbish when I got paid today. In fact it kind of says no to the Cambridge Diet full stop. But I do feel quite smug now as the fat girl behind me is going to MacDonalds to get her lunch while I haven't had anything other than the aforementioned shake and one and a half litres of water. Plan to have a banana mousse for dinner and might have a tomato soup with my j when I get back from the pub and stick Family Guy on the DVD. Things that I wasn't grateful for today however are 1) a guy in the office announcing that he knew a girl who went on the CamDie, as it will henceforth be known, and kicked the bucket after 4 weeks of a 'brain thing' (thanks for that Alex) and 2) the boyf saying 'you're going to be a nightmare to live with on this diet aren't you?'. I mean come on, it's my first day, give me some support guys. So you both weigh less than my ankle probably but no reason to make me feel bad.
PS Since I've been writing this, and it takes me a hell of a while what with all the editing and precision, the shake is making a nasty comeback in the form of a horrible aftertaste. I am also more hungry than I was earlier. Not good. But I'll soldier on...

Day one. Hunger is good?

2006-08-04T09:27:00.000Z

I made the decision this morning when I woke up that I wanted to start the diet today. I asked my flatmate what he thought last night and he thought I should start it on Saturday as it was a big night out tonight with people there who haven't been out for a while and I should drink while I can but when I thought this over I figured there is always going to be an excuse for not starting and it will always be hard when I do decide to do it so better sooner than later. Plus I did treat myself last night as it was with the pizza (which wasn't all that anyway) and the half bottle of wine, not to mention the horrifically large lunch I had already had at work. And another thing, the people who are coming out tonight aren't really MY friends anyway so I don't really care. No, the plan is to get as caned as possible and then at least when I go out I won't feel cheated when I drink my Coke Zero in the pub (possible downside though - munchies). I bought my chocolate and spicy tomato packs to work as well as a bar just in case and I have held out until now (10.30) without anything but now my stomach is objecting so I was going to make my chocolate shake. I say was because I have just realised that I have no mug to do it in, the cups are too small and it'll probably be funny and lunpy if it's not whisked (d'oh). So looks like I'm gonna have to hold out until lunchtime anyway to pop down the supermarket and get a whisk and big mug anyway. I am getting through this by drinking water and repeating 'hunger is good' repeatedly in my head. And writing my blog of course. I'm not entirely sure this is what my temping agency pay me for.

Shocked at the weeks supply of "food"

2006-08-03T19:14:00.000Z

Well I've been to see my Cambridge woman who exposed me to various indignities, namely the scales and the measuring tape. I was hoping I had lost some weight since I was weighed at the new doctors the other week (the final straw and the humiliation which spurred me into action) but no such luck. Still 12 and a half stone. Which at 5 foot 6 puts me in the overweight category but only one and a half stone to lose before I become of acceptable or 'OK' weight. Shame I want to lose three and a half really then. She was nice in that kind of 'I'm selling you a dream and gonna charge you a fortune for it' kind of a way. But no, cynicism aside, she was really quite nice. She certainly didn't scream 'my eyes, my eyes, they burn at this hideous fat monster' as she opened the door so that's something I suppose. I have bought 21 packets of ick - flavours range from chocolate mint to tomato soup, 3 bars of ick (though technically I am not supposed to have these in the first week but she seemed to think I would struggle without so she suggested cutting them into 8 pieces to nibble on in the day if I need to. 8 pieces - they are thinner than mars bars!!) and a tub of gelatine which makes the shakes into a sort of Angel Delight, which doesn't sound too bad. I have also been relieved of just over £40 which makes me panic when I remember it is rent next week. Still, not much money to be spent down the pub when all I can have is soda water (ice but NO slice. Seriously) or Coke Zero. So in a pre-emptive strike before the hunger hits on Saturday (although actually quite excited and want to start it tomorrow in a hugely uncharacteristic spurt of enthusiasm and self-belief) have ordered a 15" inch pizza to share with the (thin) boyf and just cracked open a bottle of red. I have a feeling I'm going to turn very boring over the next few weeks...!!

Apprehensive and stuffed full of spaghetti

2006-08-02T18:26:00.000Z

Right, here we go. Don't know how long I'm going to keep this up for but I suppose it doesn't matter, I mean it's not like anyone knows who I am. Do they? Anyway, from here on in I am one of those people on a weird diet that I previously sneered at (don't hate me, I'm just being honest here). How awful, I never thought I'd actually be fat and need to resort to such extreme measures- it never used to be this way - so I guess the joke is on me now. I have decided to go on the Cambridge Diet. Well, what I mean is I am meeting my pusher tomorrow to get the first lot of 'packet food' (delicious) and planning to start Saturday after a drinking rampage on Friday!! So, it's a Wednesday, I'm off to the cinema in a mo, bit shocked I managed to set all this malarky up and have just had a huge bowl of pasta while nobody was watching and I sat down in front of Hollyoaks. What have I become? Well hopefully in a few weeks time I shall be a sophisticated thinnington, far too good to watch Hollyoaks with a bowl of pasta in secret (actually I don't know if the food or dodgy choice of televisual viewing is more shameful). Instead I will be tucking in with glee to my next milkshake, squeezing into a size 10 dress on my way out to meet my rich, successful and good looking friends, the sun will always be shining and I will be enjoying life with no real food. Either that or, more likely, I shall be so weak I will be lying semi-conscious in a puddle of Cambridge Diet soup muttering strange things to myself before alsations come and chew pieces off my frail (size 10) body. But I WILL be thin and that after all is what counts, isn't it? Watch this space, I'm gonna write tomorrow after I've met up with the Cambridge Diet woman - LIZ.